"Anyone got a few million they wanna invest?"

"(after describing all the negligent drivers he encountered that day)"So let's hope I was a quantum magnet for all bad…"

"I have, quite possibly, the most self-antagonistic brain of our generation. So when I really want to work on somethin…"

"Typing up a detailed news post at this moment would not further the goals of my great society. Stay tuned for ideolog…"

"As you may have noticed, a hurricane didn't kill me yesterday. I will celebrate my continued life with some ice cream…"

"This is the part where I tell you guys that my first car was a Corvette that I got for, like, half price or something…"

"Sorry about the delay. We were having unholy connection problems of the damned. But things seem to be working fine now."

"If you travel, do it smart. I need as many of you alive to buy as many things as possible. It's a cycle, you see, sha…"

"(referring to a broken sign displayed at a fireworks stand)"It says FIRE ORKS. And the arrow on this particular sign …"

"X-Men Legends 2, it would be so much easier to enjoy you if your characters would ever shut up."