"I don't think we're politically correct when we're private. I don't know what politically correct means. I'm just wat…"

"As a side note, I'd like to propose that aim is more mathematical than we tend to acknowledge. For me, it's: smallish…"

"The harsh reality is that my sequestered twins are advancing in the opposite direction of my earhair. Mother Nature h…"

"[M]iddle age is the window to your eventual end…"

"As stated earlier, I am a pessimistic optimist, or what I like to call a "pissed-omist." This is a person who has liv…"

"I was such a large sperm, my mother went into labor during conception."

"When I hit the six-foot mark at thirteen, I noticed the majority of the population was in denial with regard to my at…"

"The goons needed some comic relief, and I needed an audience. I had found my niche."

"Pride can make you look like a dick if you're not careful."

"It doesn't matter what their social or economic background is — it's very cheap to play, and you can get good just by…"