"[describing a whale-watching trip] We just paid $200 a piece to have a whale hawk a loogie on us."

"We are so bent on figuring everything out about animals and they're just animals. We don't have to figure-- All right…"

"I mean, what if it's just a goofy looking fish? You know, like a dork fish. You know? He'd be out in that desert like…"

"Easy, Seabiscuit."

"The Chinese have a new space program, now. It's not like the American Space Program because in the Chinese Space Prog…"

"Did you ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? Did that ever happen to anybody in here? Anybody? I'm hopin' t…"

"I saw this commercial last week for a bladder control awareness group. Let me explain something to you: if you have a…"

"I would like to talk for just a little bit about firework safety. It's something I like to do every time I speak in p…"

"Things are going great, though. For me, not for my grandpa. He can't afford Viagra. I bought him Ginkgo biloba. Now h…"

"I think the biggest difference between men and women is this: Men are basic. Just basic. There's not a whole lot of f…"