"Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucrac…"

"We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane whe…"

"I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don'…"

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake — you know, to send the right …"

"Government — they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do.…"

"If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too."

"It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write somethi…"

"I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pop…"

"Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy."

"Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga."