"Religion, cult, there's no real definition of which is which. It's more like, 'if the shoe fits'. I personally define…"

"We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane whe…"

"I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pop…"

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake — you know, to send the right …"

"If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too."

"It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write somethi…"

"I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don'…"

"Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy."

"I don't know how it all began, no one does. But I am pretty sure it's not that God had a son. [laughs] You know he's …"

"Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucrac…"