"Bankers get bonuses... the upper echelon get anywhere from ten million up to a hundred million, and the President of …"

"Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advi…"

"Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at a…"

"There's a critical point, when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "…"

"I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous. We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the…"

"Women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects 'em …"

"(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) I did roofing in the middle of July as a redhead. I thought…"

"(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a diff…"

"Rub one out like a man, it's the champagne of victory."

"Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed…"