"Bankers get bonuses... the upper echelon get anywhere from ten million up to a hundred million, and the President of …"

"Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advi…"

"Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at a…"

"There's a critical point, when you've stayed single too long, that your brain switches from "No, don't say that" to "…"

"I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous. We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the…"

"(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) I did roofing in the middle of July as a redhead. I thought…"

"(on whether motherhood is the world's most difficult job) Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a diff…"

"Rub one out like a man, it's the champagne of victory."

"Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed…"

"First of all, getting mad at a politician is like getting mad at Jennifer Aniston cause it's bad episode of Friends. …"