"Fletcher: Before you have a kid, everyone tells you, "It's the best thing you'll ever do." And as soon as you get the baby back from the hospital, those same people are like, "Don't worry, it gets better.""

"Ben Stiller - Josh Schrebnick"

"Naomi Watts - Cornelia Schrebnick"

"Adam Driver - Jamie Massey"

"Amanda Seyfried - Darby Massey"

"Charles Grodin - Leslie Breitbart"

"Brady Corbet - Kent Arlington"

"Ryan Serhant - Hedge Fund Dave"

"Maria Dizzia - Marina"

"Adam Horovitz - Fletcher"

"Peter Yarrow - Ira Mandelstam"

"Dree Hemingway - Tipper"

"Matthew Maher - Tim"

"It's that thing when you're with someone, and you love them and they know it, and they love you and you know it... but it's a party... and you're both talking to other people, and you're laughing and shining... and you look across the room and catch each other's eyes... but - but not because you're possessive, or it's precisely sexual... but because... that is your person in this life. And it's funny and sad, but only because this life will end, and it's this secret world that exists right there in public, unnoticed, that no one else knows about. It's sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us, but we don't have the ability to perceive them. That's - That's what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess."

"Sometimes it's good to do what you're supposed to do when you're supposed to do it."

"Michael Esper - Dan"

"Adam Driver - Lev Shapiro"

"Charlotte d'Amboise - Colleen"

"Mickey Sumner - Sophie Levee"

"Greta Gerwig - Frances Halladay"

"Rachel: Fuck, I sound like a gay grandma."

"I think it's a great day. I ate an egg bagel that Lev's slut made me. I internet-acquired three pairs of very rare Ray Bans. I'm doing awesome."

"It's just this apartment is very... aware of itself."

"The only people who can afford to be artists in New York are rich."

"We are like a lesbian couple that doesn't have sex anymore."

"I like things that look like mistakes."

"I'm too tall to marry."

"Halley Feiffer - Maisy Koosman"

"The thing about you kids is that you're all kind of insensitive. I'm glad I grew up when I did 'cause your parents were too perfect at parenting- all that baby Mozart and Dan Zanes songs; you're just so sincere and interested in things! There's a confidence in you guys that's horrifying. You're all ADD and carpal tunnel. You wouldn't know agoraphobia if it bit you in the ass, and it makes you mean. You say things to someone like me who's older and smarter with this light air... I'm freaked out by you kids. I hope I die before I end up meeting one of you in a job interview."

"Dear Starbucks, in your attempt to manufacture culture out of fast food coffee you've been surprisingly successful for the most part. The part that isn't covered by 'the most part' sucks."

"All the men out here dress like children and the kids dress like superheroes."

"It's the harder, more painful decision to stay free but that's what adulthood is."

"You like me so much more than you think you do."