"Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm."

"[on the phone] What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger? [pause] Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition. [Hangs up] He's dead."

"Don't take it so hard Nick, life is filled with it's little miseries, each of us in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion. [Sneezes into hands, screams and jumps out a window]"

"Go quickly. If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truck load of dead rats in a tampon factory."

"Movie? What movie?"

"Don't tell anyone."

"From the makers of the original "Airplane!" (not the Wright brothers)"

"Val Kilmer - Nick Rivers"

"Lucy Gutteridge - Hillary Flammond"

"[under his breath] Subtle. [normally] Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight? [Grumsky stay focused] [imitating Eric Cartman] Hey! You guys! Seriously, I'm fuckin' fat! Seriously, guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck! How'd I get so fuckin' fat?!"

"(with poor Australian accent) How to speak San Franciscan."

"Listen to me, you little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!"

"[Coop and Reemer are fighting] Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!"

"I swear, you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times and I'm outta here!"

"Trey Parker - Joe "Coop" Cooper"

"Matt Stone - Doug Remer"

"Dian Bachar - Kenny "Squeak" Scolari"

"Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed"

"Jenny McCarthy - Yvette Denslow"

"Ernest Borgnine - Ted Denslow"

"Robert Vaughn - Baxter Cain"

"Steve Perry. Steve Perry! "Well I shoulda been go-one, after all!!!!!!!!!!!"