american-talk-shows

"We're like Donny and Marie, without all the fun and musical numbers."

"I don't care about sport, I have a life."

"Dames are like mustard: they taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich... they just sit there in the fridge... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... mustard."

"Why do we always hurt the ones we love?! Why, Banjo, why?! Banjo! Banjo! BANJO!"

"I am the Lone Locust of the apocalypse. Think of me when you look to the night sky."

"Hey, this thing on the monitor's not my mother! My room was always clean."

"I saw a yard gnome once. It didn't scare me!"

"I'll spank you smartly with my spank ray."

"Meatwad! Meat-dead?! Make dead meat, more like it!"

"Look into the eyes of justice, Your Mother. You'll never get my power bands, savvy? Batmantis and I will fight you to the end!"

"Welcome back, stupid viewers! You'll watch anything! Go ahead, change the channel. You'll be back!"

"Is this it? Is this the final battle? Has the reaper come for me at last? Is this the end... of Space Ghost?"

"You know, my uncle Miranda got sued once."

"– , Moltar"

"I'll be dead long before you were born and I'll be dead long before you'll be dead."

"I have a giant brain that is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer."

"[to Jan and Jace] You rotten kids! This is all your fault! I owe you nothing! Without me, you'd be on the Herculoids' planet following Gleep and Gloop with brooms! And you two are no longer friends of mine! I'm telling that fat geek-a-nerd who does my webpage to officially list you two ingrates as enemies from now on!"

"Bears are Crazy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing a steak on it."

"Hey! You took my soul!"

"I shiver with power. I ache with disease. I am Batmantis!"

"We have to understand that we're fighting a war against people who think that they are engaged in a cosmic battle between the forces of good and evil. They believe that this is not an Earthly battle; this is a war between the forces of Christianity and the forces of Islam. We cannot legitimize that viewpoint by saying the exact same thing. We're not going to out-fanaticize these fanatics."

"Do you remember the '60s and '70s? You didn't have to go more than a week before there was an article in Life magazine – "The Home of Tomorrow", "The City of Tomorrow", "Transportation of Tomorrow". All that ended. In the 1970s, after we stopped going to the Moon, it all ended. We stopped dreaming. And so I worry that decisions that Congress makes doesn't factor in the consequences of those decisions on tomorrow. Tomorrow's gone."

"I like a good ass-fuck as much as the next guy. But that makes me gay? Come on!"

"Could there ever be a better argument for a woman President than the fact that the members of the other party are arguing over their dick size?"

"In a study from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine last month, scientists found that a single dose of psilocybin, which is the drug in magic mushrooms, created a "long-term positive personality change in most patients." People improved in the areas of sensitivity, imagination, and broad-minded tolerance of others. In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known an "asshole inhibitor.""

"The other big political event that happened in December was there was a big fight in Washington over the payroll tax. After protecting hedge fund managers, oil companies and heiresses, Republicans proudly found a group they were willing to tax – employees. And somehow Obama was the one fighting to lower taxes, and the insanely anti-tax Republicans were the ones fighting to raise them, because, no matter what the issue, the prime directive is they can never agree with Obama. But Democrats swelled with pride when the president put his foot down and told Republicans, "It's your way or the highway.""

"But we owe ourselves, and the United States that we will pass off to our children, to re-learn the tools of reason, logic, clarity, dissent, civility, and debate. And those things are the non-partisan basis of democracy, and without them you can kiss this thing goodbye."

"The kids are on drugs all right, the problem is they're on the wrong drugs. They're on a combination of processed sugar so they can be mini coke fiends, and mind-narrowing pharmaceutical crap like Ritalin that doesn't open up their minds, it levels and controls them. These drugs are all about keeping rowdy children in check, or, as we used to call it, parenting."

"Blacks who kill whites are sixteen times more likely to be executed than whites who kill blacks; black unemployment is 17%, white unemployment is 8%; the median wealth of white households is twenty times that of black households; 39% of black children live in poverty, and the rest with Angelina Jolie. And what is the Republican solution to these outrageous inequalities? There isn't one, and that's the point. Denying racism is the new racism. To not acknowledge those statistics; to think of that as a black problem and not an American problem; to believe, as a majority of Fox viewers do, that reverse racism is a bigger problem than racism racism – that's racist!"

"Adderall is the drug of choice these days on campus. Oh, what fun! I don't know what I'd enjoy more – the extremely focused parties, or the highly detail-oriented sex."

"Is it really that radical to suggest slightly trimming the tax break on corporate jets? It seems like a reasonable idea, given that, a) people who buy corporate jets are filthy rich, and b) I DON'T NEED A B!"

"Every election roughly half the population votes Democrat and the other half votes Republican. Now I understand why the Republicans get one percent of the vote – the richest one percent. That other 49% someone will have to explain to me. The facts about what the Republicans have done to the middle class are beyond reasonable doubt, and yet their base refuses to see it. The monied elite in America are dragging a bag filled with your future down the steps, and your reaction is "Hold on there, that looks heavy. Let me give you a hand getting it into your trunk.""

"Bush said his tax cut for the rich would create jobs. They didn't. We're now being told that if multinational corporations bring home their current overseas profits of $1.4 trillion, they'll only be taxed 5% on it...because we're told it will create jobs. It won't, just like it didn't the last time we tried it in 2004. Companies took the savings and paid it out to themselves in dividends. Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury – it is pathetically clear who is killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder."

"Now that it's become clear that Republicans, the fiscally-conservative, strong-on-defense party are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense, they have to tell us what exactly it is they're good at. Because it's not defense: 9/11 happened on your watch; and you retaliated by attacking the wrong country; and you lost a ten-year game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden; and you're responsible for running up most of the debt, which more than anything makes us weak. You're supposed to be the party with the killer instinct. But it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Gaddafi's bedroom and a bullet in bin Laden's eye like Moe Green."

"I'm not really rich. I'm something far more noble I'm a job creator. [Heavenly chorus] Sort of the same way Patagonian tooth-fish became Chilean sea-bass. [chorus] But y'know what, just by suggesting, just by bringing it up, that he is going to tax me more, Comrade Obama has created an atmosphere of uncertainty that makes me skittish about creating more jobs, yeah, I have been so freaked out that today at breakfast I could barely butter my gold. You see, you poor people, you don't get how much "uncertainty" gives us job creators the willies. It's terrifying...like when you find out your private island has natives; or when your wife notices the maid's kid looks just like you; or when the limo driver tries to start a conversation. So tax me at a higher rate if you like, you're practically firing yourselves. Because I'll tell you something, I have been so shitting in my pants about this uncertainty thing, that yesterday I let go a dozen essential workers at my compound, including my Tivo programmer, my manscaper, the liposuctionist, my gardener's personal trainer, my dog whisperer, the lookalike I hired to foil assassination attempts, my private farmer, the lady who dispenses hand sanitizer after our pre-show prayer circle, the girl I pay to mistake me for Jon Hamm, and the guy who takes care of the shark tank. Which reminds me, I'm gonna have to let go two sharks!"

"Since the economy won't come back until we start buying stuff, and the only stuff Americans buy is anything from Apple or guns...Apple has to make a gun. Call it the iKillyou. Although if you want to get it to NRA members you probably can't sell it at the Genius Bar."

"Mormonism is just the silly end of a larger problem, which is that religion itself is a con, and it's a con that you pull on your own mind. It's not unfair to ask serious candidate Mitt Romney if he really believes that Joseph Smith received golden plates from an angel in 1823 and translated them into "scripture" that contains not a single person or place name that has been shown to ever exist. Are you too gullible to be president if you believe in a world full of characters who appear in the historical record exactly as often as leprechauns?"

"I get it, you're bitter because we fought a culture war in the '60s and the right lost. Rick Santorum is like that Japanese soldier on the island who doesn't know the war is over, so he's still fighting against birth control and butt sex. Plus, Republicans are now mostly a southern party, and if there's one thing southerners don't do well it's lose a war and get over it."

"We have this fantasy that our interests and the interests of the super rich are the same; like somehow the rich will eventually get so full that they'll explode, and that the candy will rain down on the rest of us; like they're some kind of piñata of benevolence. But here's the thing about a piñata – it doesn't open on its own, you have to beat it with a stick."

"Some one needs to explain to the Republicans that Ebeneezer Scrooge is supposed to be the bad guy. And before conservatives start whining about another "war on Christmas", they must admit they hate everything about Christmas; because brotherhood, good will toward men, and especially charity make their skin crawl. This week Michelle Bachmann proposed cutting huge holes in the federal safety net, demonstrating a total misunderstanding of the concept of a net. Here's what she said:"

"There is a growing trend in this country that needs to be called out, and that is to label any evidence-based belief a religion. Many conservatives now say that belief in man-made climate change is a religion, and Darwinism is a religion, and, of course, atheism, the complete lack of religion, is somehow a religion too, according to the always reliable Encyclopedia Moronica. Now it's a dodge of course, straight out of the grand intellectual tradition of "I know you are, but what am I?" It's a way of saying, "Hey, we all believe in some sort of faith-based malarkey, so let's call it a push." No. No-no-no-no-no. It's not fair that people who can't defend their own nonsense get to create a fake fair-and-balanced argument, the way they do when asserting that evolution and creationism are equally valid. I'm not saying atheists are perfect thinkers; everyone has blind spots. I'm sure there are atheists who think a ponytail looks good on a man, and pineapple belongs on a pizza, and Ayn Rand was an important thinker; but when it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your un-reason up on the same shelf as my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken."

"[to Mitt Romney] There are not many issues where you have seen eye-to-eye with you. I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy it's gonna be kind of hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on health care, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, The Treaty of the Sea, Meghan's Law, the infield fly rule..."

"[the perfect Republican candidate] A candidate who will meet these criteria: a) Never compromise on anything or ever work with the Democrats; b) Always treat Obama like he's some mysterious black guy who showed up uninvited at your country club...President Bagger Vance; and c) Never admit that government is useful for anything; the government is always like Snooky's vagina – it's too big, it services too many people, and nothing good will ever come out of it."

"There is no logical pathway that would lead you from atheism to do those terrible things. There is a logical pathway that would lead to that from a Christian religion or something like that, or from one of the state religions like Nazism, like Stalinism, and so on. You really can justify doing those awful things if you believe in something as strongly as religious people do. But nobody is going to go and kill for the sake of atheism. Why on Earth would you?"

"We can't throw around the word "sexist" just to stop people like me from pointing out that Michelle Bachmann, now running second for the Republican presidential nomination, isn't a dangerous nincompoop. And when I point out that Sarah Palin is a vainglorious braggart, a liar, a whiner, a professional victim, a scold, a know-it-all, a chisler; a bully who sells patriotism like a pimp, and the leader of a strange family of inbred weirdos straight out of The Hills Have Eyes...that's not sexist. I'm saying it because it's true, not because it's true of a woman."

"The only voices...religious voices...that we hear often in the media are the voices of condemnation and separation. And if religion is not a bridge instead of a wedge; if it isn't about inclusiveness of other people's views, not just that they have our view, it's gonna separate us, and it's going to destroy us."

"When Steve Jobs was young, the drug of choice was acid. And Jobs told his biographer that dropping acid as a young man was one of the best things he ever did, because, when he took it with his girlfriend, the wheat fields started playing Bach. Which is pretty unbelievable. A computer nerd had a girlfriend?! Now maybe there is no connection between LSD and genius, but it's something no great American ever said about a Kit-Kat bar. If it weren't for acid, you might not have an iPod, and you definitely wouldn't have some of the best music in your iPod."

"New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey Jr., combined, recently fell out of a tree, and then crashed a jet ski. And yet, somehow, that cigarette never fell out of his mouth. What is this guy still running on? I've got to know. Because I'm beginning to think the future of medicine isn't injecting stem cells, it's injecting heroin."

"New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!""

"I was watching Andrea Mitchell… talking about debates, and she said, 'A sighing Gore, a sweating Nixon, a seemingly bored Bush, those unfortunate, unscripted moments that voters sometimes remember most.' And I thought, yeah, they remember most because you show it on a loop on your media 24 hours a frigging day! That's why they remember it most! It's not the voters who — it's what the media pick — the media picks out a few moments and they show it over and over again. And then people go, 'Well, Gore sighed; he's toast.'"