"...not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned..."

"Eunice!? This is a person named Eunice?"

"I love those old Ventegums."

"It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche ... in E flat."

"Hi, Room Service, this is Room 1717. I would like a double-thick roast beef sandwich medium rare on rye bread with mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom, and a coffee hot fudge sundae with a large bottle of diet anything. You got that? Yeah, Room 1717. Oh, and Room Service, would you put it in the hall outside the door. I mean, don’t bring it in or knock on the door because I’m just putting my little one to sleep. Thank you."

"What do you think I am, a piece of ripe fruit you can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?"

"Why Ms. Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Banister's bedroom? Don't you know the meaning of propriety?"

"...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy."

"It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on—a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle."

"Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon."

"The point is, the point is... oh god, I've forgotten my point."

"Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?"

"Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!"

"Don’t you know the meaning of propriety?"

"There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes..."

"I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée."

"I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--"

"The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself."

"For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian."

"This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited."

"Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?"

"Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman!"

"Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile."

"You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all evening, and you will make passionate love to her."

"There is no Hans. There is only me, Fritz."

"I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched!"

"You've made me smash my Life Savers."

"Tell them to bring straight jacket! In assorted sizes!"

"Do you see this yellow pill? You know what it's for? It's to remind me to take this blue pill!"

"I will get to the bottom of this if it takes me the rest of my life, which may end at any minute!"

"A screwball comedy. Remember them?"

"Barbra Streisand — Judy Maxwell"

"Ryan O'Neal — Dr. Howard Bannister"

"Madeline Kahn — Eunice Burns"

"Kenneth Mars — Hugh Simon"

"Austin Pendleton — Frederick Larrabee"