TotalBiscuit

"Okay, so tiny…Build's… Waaait a second…"

"What the 'ell just happened?!"

"I. Want. The. Hat!"

"Engaging Dance Mode!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is TotalBiscuit. I'm here to ask and answer one simple question: W-T-F is Day One: Garry's Incident?" [Beat] "Garry with two R's, so you know he's serious."

"You hear them? Everyone instantly died. And I have no idea why."

"Behold: my amazing fighting technique, passed down from generation to generation in the illustrious Garry line. Anyway, as I was saying…"

"Oh look, everybody instantly died again! What the hell was that? What killed me?"

"What?! Where the hell did that come from?!" … "Behold! The worst textured panther in the history of video games!"

"What the hell killed me?! I had half health! Why did I just immediately die?! I don't understand what's happening!"

"Maybe it has quick save?" [Silence.] "…No. Of—Of course, that would be asking too much."

"You better save regularly if you intend to play this, 'cause you will just…die. From anything! At random! With no prior warning!"

"I'm pretty sure that macaw is also…up to no good…"

"Can I… WHAT?! Whaaaaat?! I hit him five times—three times in the back and he doesn't even know that I'm here!" [laughs] "Why is this game?! I'm not even gonna ask what is this game!"

"What?! Now he realizes?! Oh—screw everything about this! I'm sorry; I can't take another minute of this dreadful thing!"

"[groan] "I—It is—What is it with this year and awful video games?! We've had Ride to Hell: Retribution, and we've had this, and I don't know which is worse.""

"Behold! The Floating Aborigine Tribesman thingy! And his—"

"This is a full release…! This is a full release! It is not Early Access! This is not a beta, guys! Seriously, I am not lying to you! And this is after about three patches! This game is a f**king disaster!"

"It is a wasted concept [by] a studio that evidently does not have the talent necessary to create something of this complexity, and my god did they screw it up! This is this year's Revelations 2012! And more to the point—it's even got a Revelations 2012 armgun! It's—[beat]—god…! It is…just…horrendously bad!"

"This monkey is running backwards and forwards! This tribesman right here—" [starts swinging his machete in an attempt to get the tribesman's attention] "Hi."

"Let me guess: if I stand up, he's gonna see me immediately?" [stands up; tribesman attacks him] "Of course."

"So, if all you do with WTF Is…? is to figure out whether or not a game is worth buying, you can just stop watching right now. It isn't. You should avoid it like the plague, because it is absolutely terrible. If you're curious as to why, however…" [chuckles] "Oh, I will show you."

"[demonstrating the pickpocket mechanic] "I kid you not. That's actually Garry's Incident level of terrible.""

"[watching a character's ridiculous idle animation] "Who—? Nobody—Nobody does that!""

"Are you ready for the jumpscare? …No, you're not."

"I now present to you the fairest maiden—what the hell is wrong with your face?"

"Oh, fair maiden… If only I could fix the voids that exist in your fair…visage… Ugh!" [laughs incredulously] "That's one hell of a makeup accident."

"Oh no—I can clip through the rock, too. You are f**king kidding me."

"I think we may have found 2014's Garry's Incident. Ho-lee sh*t."

"'What do you think you're doing?! Helps to have a map!' Also, 'Can you find the missing parts of my face?'"

"Don't even tell me about the map. Don't even. Where's the keyhole?"

"They didn't render a keyhole! …F**k!"

"You were transparent a minute ago!"

"We will not join enemy server." [catches himself] "'Enemy server', what? Let's try that again—empty server. I do want enemies."

"So. What's missing? Well, there's no crosshairs."

"…Why am I even whispering? It's not like they're actually gonna hear me."

"…So really, it's just y—" [enemy player kills him] "—oh, dammit!—you, your gun, and your friends."

"Oh, goddamn! What the hell?!" [opens fire, then laughs] "Suppressing fire!"

"[to a teammate, who just shot at him] "I[t]—Don't shoot me!" [chuckles] "What's wrong with you?""

"[about Phil Fish leaving the game industry] "My first reaction, when thinking about covering this, was just to finish by saying, 'NNNope!' and go straight onto the next segment.""

"So to break down what they're saying there, they claim that they have run out of time and money."

"…Yeah, and that was just the damn start of it, because Ubisoft simply cannot shut UP!"

"The last part of that statement is the only thing that's true."

"Ubisoft, I just want to like your games. Why won't you let me!"

"WHAT?! YOU FFFFFFFfffffff…" [Silence.] "…I just lost. I just lost…!"

"Yes! It is—n-no! Nooo! NOOOOO! Why would you have that happen?! That was a win! Ahhhhhhhh!"

"It's an Avenge?! Ahhhh! Oh, no! …I was bamboozled!"

"…I am a stupid, stupid man. I am a very, very dumb person. I…" [laughs in self-deprication] "He has an Auchenai Soulpriest! Why would you do that?! What is wrong with you?!"

"Should've played the bloody Sky Golem. And now he's got my other one. Give it BACK!"

"So far, the game has done a really good job of not throwing a lot of jumpscares at me, and that worries me even more. [goes to open door] If you blow your load too quickly with jumpscares—" [TB opens door. Cue jumpscare.] "AHHHHH! Jesus Christ. F**k! I hate you so much right now! God-dammit! Anyway!"