The Whole Nine Yards (film)

"It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive."

"Everybody dies. Sooner or later."

"I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door."

"Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody."

"The great and powerful Oz."

"Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives."

"I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise."

"You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni! [shoots Janni in the head]"

"Room service? Yes this is room 519. I'm gonna need a bigger bottle of Scotch!"

"Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch."

"Oh, and don't forget the body!"

"OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder."

"[Watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him] This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic."

"[The phone rings, Oz is startled] Phone!..[The phone rings again]..There it is again!"

"You know what I'm going to do...I'm...I'm gonna...I'm gonna go! [Oz attempts to open the side door but fails] ...does this slide?"

"I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet."

"[on Sophie] You know, you'd be doing the world a favor if you just had her whacked."

"[every time Oz doesn't answer, Frankie hits him in the stomach or kidneys, then hugs him to stop him collapsing] My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night."

"Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way, [grabs his crotch] Huevos grandes, amigo!"

"[to Jill] You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun. You know you're just all kinds of fine, don't you?"

"Sophie Oseransky: You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise."

"Janni Gogolack: My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat FUCK, piece of SHIT... Tudeski."

"Janni Gogolack: Ansfer dat."

"In the heart of suburbia, a hit man with heart has just moved in."

"Life's a comedy. It's all in the execution."

"Bruce Willis - Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski"

"Matthew Perry (actor) - Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky"

"Rosanna Arquette - Sophie Oseransky"

"Michael Clarke Duncan - Franklin 'Frankie Figs' Figueroa"

"Natasha Henstridge - Cynthia Tudeski"

"Amanda Peet - Jill St. Claire"

"Kevin Pollak - Janni Pytor Gogolak"

"Harland Williams - Special Agent Steve Hanson"