The Ref

"From now on, the only person who gets to yell at is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation."

"Do you know what this family needs? A mute."

"Look kid... what I do, running around, stealing stuff, may sound great when you're 14 years old, but it sucks just a little bit when you're 35. No house, no family. I got a partner who's 56, alcoholic... he still can't understand why they took Happy Days off the air. And then I got to turn on the TV every day and see kids like you, one after another on these talk shows. You got everything, opportunities up the ass, you got a family to come home to, and what do you do? You sit around, and you bitch and you moan, because things don't go your way. Well, you know what, kid? Welcome to the real world, where most times things don't go your fucking way."

"You know, you and my wife have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to, and when it doesn't, you get to act the way you want. The only trouble with that is someone has to be responsible. I'd love to run around and take classes and play with my inner-self! I'd love the freedom to be some pissed-off criminal with no responsibilities, except I don't have the time! But you don't see me with a gun. And you don't see me sleeping with someone else. You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Gee, I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athlete and a 24-hour erection!" No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!"

"You know what I'm going to get you for Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

"Mary, gag your grandma."

"Yeah? Well, maybe Santa won't come back next year. Maybe he and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin' cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your own lousy cookies!"

"They might be his hostages but what they're doing to this guy is criminal."

"He's taken them hostage. They're driving him nuts."

"Denis Leary - Gus"

"Judy Davis - Caroline"

"Kevin Spacey - Lloyd"

"Robert J. Steinmiller, Jr. - Jesse"

"Glynis Johns - Rose"

"Raymond J. Barry - Lt. Huff"

"Richard Bright - Murray"

"Christine Baranski - Connie"

"Adam LeFevre - Gary"

"Phillip Nicoll - John"

"Ellie Raab - Mary"

"Bill Raymond - George"

"John Scurti - Lt. Steve Milford"

"Jim Turner - Phil"

"Ron Gabriel - Limo Driver"

"Edward Saxon - Mike Michaels"

"Kenneth Utt - Jeremiah Willard"

"Robert Ridgely - Bob Burley"

"J.K. Simmons - Siskel"

"B.D. Wong - Marriage Counselor Dr. Wong"