"[To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number one, ask questions. Don't say anything. Because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves, so you're just gonna let them do that. Two, be cool. And three, be kind of a dick. Look, be like David Caruso in Jade."

"[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching Murder, She Wrote. She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday."

"All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a tiger knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches.""

"You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal."

"From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy."

"You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named "Pussalia", and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into thinking that it's some impossible feat."

"Of course it doesn't feel right. What feels right hasn't worked. It's time to try some wrong, dawg."

"I'm a virgin. I always have been."

"I will pray for your cock."

"Tell me, when your son is born, is he already on parole?"

"So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, al-Qaeda?"

"[While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast: dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by."

"Better Late Than Never"

"The Longer You Wait The Harder It Gets"

"Steve Carell - Andy"

"This is hogshit. You're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here and tell me he was a nice guy didn't you? Well, fuck you people, fuck you, you, you, and you, [points at Andy, Cal and Jay] fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass! Okay!"

"I've borked a lot of women in my day."

"Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"

"I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it."

"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video everyone watches in the store] It looks like a Poltergeist."

"[Response to Jay's girlfriend's sonogram video again] It looks like the doppler radar."

"[Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody... well, hey, that's love."

"[David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain, and it's...you know, you lose weight, and then you put back on weight, and then you call them a bunch of times, and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love."

"[about Andy] He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer."

"[about letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment..."

"Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking, "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse."

"Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad though."

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

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