Patrice O'Neal

"I generally don't like living in a world where being what a man is, is a horrible thing; and no matter what a woman is, is a wonderful thing."

"I said to my girl, "The reason you have a key (to my house) is to keep me from having other women in my house. I give you an open invitation." See, she wants me to go, "Because I love you and I trust you, and I want you to trust me." It's because the fear of my girl walking in will keep me from having a young broad sitting on top of my counter. But she wants that to be because I love her so much, but it's just to protect me from my own manness."

"A beautiful 35-year old ain't as good-looking as an ugly 19-year old."

"(after host Anthony Cumia complained that a black, female bartender once refused to give him an extra drink, even after he had tipped her $20) Let me tell you, black people are very sensitive about context. (You meant), "Sweetie, no disrespect, here's a twenty," but (she took it as), "Here, fat nigga-lean, take this twenty and you will be giving me my beers, all day, at my request, you fat fuck." She smelled it on you, so she said, "Take your twenty and shove it up your ass, cracker devil.""

"(on the killing of Osama Bin Laden) I watched the Bin Laden thing, and you know, there's what's called the "conspiracy nuts" and whatever, and the thing that gets me is that when there is one little question, that makes you go, "What?" That we don't galvanize and say, "No, no, no, you're not allowed to say anything else until we cover this. Give me a straight answer, because flushing Bin Laden down the ocean, like he's cocaine, from The Goodfellas, it doesn't prove anything." You know, somebody like (Sean) Hannity would make me sound like a complete idiot if I went on his show and went, "He flushed him down the fucking ocean!" But, it's just, you go, "There's nothing that makes you go, what?""

"If you tell me 2 + 2 is 4, and I know it is, then you... shove marbles up your ass, I go "Damn, Anthony shoves marbles in his ass?" But [the fact that you shove marbles in your ass] doesn't invalidate 2 + 2 = 4."

"People always say "Don't you support the troops?" But the troops are an entity that just follows orders. It's not about individuals or people. So when I say "I don't support the troops", I'm saying I don't support the bankers and politicians who are making them do what they do."

"(on the entertainment business) This business is the beast and it eats everybody and shits them out. But here's what's funny about the beast: it's a neverending line of people who want to get in the mouth and get chewed up and shit out. It's because, when you get in the belly, you get $2 million a week. And when you get shit out, you're a pile back there. And you have the option to wait to get back in line, and wait to go get back in the beast, and get eaten and shit out! And we line up! ... And I didn't even get to the beast yet. 20 years! See, when the beast pick you up, to put you in its mouth, you shinin'. People see you. Sometimes, see what "15 minutes of fame" is? The beast throws somebody down, they-- that was reality (show) people. This one was an athlete that had one good year. And you throw him down. Now, you see, "Ooh, that looks like a delicious young thing there." Eat, chew... That's why I love Charlie Sheen so much-- he was in the belly. When you making $2 million a week doing anything, you're in the absolute belly, and for that fucker to betray his position in the belly, to actually give the beast indigestion, was spectacular. He was a martyr. And Mel Gibson, too! He could have been the beast, he was so big. And they turned on him, you know what I'm saying? So, anybody that gets that deep and turns on the beast, man, you've got to root for him, no matter what, because they're martyrs, because no one's going to stand up for them. And then, Hollywood, they tell you who to hate. Like when they rose up against him, to not be on The Hangover 2. The movie was about trannies, fucking people in the ass, drugs, death, and Mike Tyson, who got a rape conviction. And you motherfuckers decide to gang up on Mel Gibson? He can't play a tattoo artist in The Hangover 2?! Come on, man. It's not hypocrisy, because that's a human thing. It's something else... it's somebody owe somebody the favor."

"This is my question, for life: have we retired the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me"? Is it legal for me to say, "I endorse hate speech, I don't give a fuck"? I want hate speech. Why can't I hate you...in speech?"

"I just think the closer we (as a species) think we get to God, the closer we get to death."

"Men want to be alone, but we don't wanna be by ourselves."

"Having women work with men is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon . . . dipped in honey."

"Have your opinion, don't let your opinion have you."

"Women want us to like them, but they don't even like each other."

"I can say anything I goddamn want racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. (as white person) "I am evil, yes." I like to talk to white people about being honest about Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. I'm mad at him (Obama) because I thought I would have a white slave by now! I thought it was vengeance day! I thought I had me a white family! A big old, fat white girl. Go warm my bed up-- get upstairs, Susan! Warm my bed up feed my baby with your giant white titties! I'm gonna go outside and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I'm gonna sell him or not!"

"Sex is so much fun for dudes. Cause we got a money shot. You don't understand what it's like to see-- we both have orgasms, but we men have a receipt. You be like, I am satisfied, because that's what it is-- look at it! You don't think you'd be happier, ladies, if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy's face? Right on top of his forehead. You wouldn't be happier? And he's just sitting there? And you go, "Aw, that felt good. Go in the bathroom and wash your face." Call your friends on the phone, "I just egged on top of his head." (as man) "Don't tell your friends our business!" (as woman) "Shut up, she already knows I egg on top of your head.""

"You gotta stop lying. You know… I mean it’s difficult to tell the truth, but you gotta start telling the truth cause it kills you, it takes something out of you when you’re…. a phony. You know, I’d rather die than to be phony really, cause… it kills me. And I’m…there’s nothing worse... like I’m depressed, but I’m not suicidal. Do you know how like… horrible it is just being to… to want to kill yourself but you just can’t, you won’t kill yourself? Do you understand what that is? So I had to figure out a way how to make myself happy….and that’s not to lie."

"That dude was so funny even his standup work just captures like a sliver of how fucking funny that guy was [...] [O'Neal] walking into a deli to buy a newspaper was funnier than most comedians I ever met."