Facetiae

"It is almost impossible for jokes that are centuries old to retain any life. The fact that a few of the jokes of Shakespeare or Rabelais or Cervantes continue to make us smile is something of a miracle. Almost six hundred years old, Poggio's Facetiae is by now largely interesting only as a symptom. These relics, like the remains of long-dead insects, tell us what once buzzed about in the air of the Vatican."

"A rustic of our parts, rather silly and assuredly a raw hand at love-deeds, took unto himself a wife. Now, it happened one night that she, renes versus virum volvens, had put nates in ejus gremio; the bow was bent, the shaft was shot, and perchance hit the mark. Amazed at that, our clodhopper enquires of his wife whether she had two, and being answered in the affirmative: "Ho, ho!" saith he, "one will do for me; the other is really a superfluity." The woman, a sly hussy, who was courted by the parish priest, rejoined: — "The second one we can give as an alms: let us make a present of it to the Church and to our vicar; to him it will be most acceptable, and will not prejudice you in the least, since one is enough for you." The man assented, equally anxious to please the priest, and to rid himself of a superfluity. So, the vicar having been asked to supper and had matters explained to him, the meal over, all three got into the same bed, the woman in the middle, the husband in front, and the other behind, so as to avail himself of the gift made him. Famished, and greedy of the long coveted dainty, the priest was the first to open fire; the woman, participating in the engagement, gave a few sighs. Fearing lest his allotment should be trespassed upon: "Observe our agreement, my friend," cried the husband; "use thy share, but leave mine untouched." To which the priest replied: "So help me God: I care little for what is thine, provided I enjoy what belongs to the Church." Our blockhead acquiesced, and bade him use freely what he had conceded to the Church."

"At the Roman Court good Fortune generally prevails, and there is but seldom room for talent or honesty; every thing is obtained through intrigue or luck, not to mention money, which seems to hold supreme sway all over the world. A friend of mine, sore at the preference given over him to men very much his inferiors, both in learning and merit, complained to Angelotto, Cardinal of Saint-Mark, that no account was taken of his worth, that he was left aside for people who could not bear comparison with himself; and he spoke of the pains he had been at for his education and the acquisition of knowledge. The Cardinal was never slow at animadverting upon the pravity of Court: "Here," quoth he, "learning and merit stand for nothing; however, be not disheartened, but devote some of your time to unlearning the good you know and learning some of the bad you know not, if you wish to be acceptable to the Pope.""

"Francesco Filelfo, jealous of his wife, was in the greatest anxiety lest she should have to do with some other man, and was, day and night, intent upon keeping good watch over her. One night, in a dream (for we are often visited in our slumbers by what has preyed upon the mind when waking) he saw a certain Demon, who promised him full security respecting his wife, if he but followed his prescription. Fast asleep, he accepted, saying it would afford him the greatest pleasure, and that he would be happy to requite such a good turn: — "Well then," quoth the Demon, "take this ring, and keep it carefully on your finger; for, so long as the finger shall be in the ring, your wife may never sleep with another man without you know of it." Filelfo, whom joy at once wakened, sensit se digitum habere in uxoris cunno. That ring is indeed a first rate preservative for jealous husbands, and secures them against their wives being unchaste without their knowledge."

"He related that an itinerant quack came to Venice, on whose sign was pictured a Priapus divided, at certain intervals, by band-strings. A certain Venetian came up, and enquired the meaning of those partitions. The quack, for the fun of the thing, replied that membrum suum was endowed with such a peculiar property, that if, with a woman, he used but the first part, he begot merchants; if the second, soldiers; up to the third, Generals; up to the fourth, Popes; his fee being proportionate to the rank and quality ordered. The dolt took his word for it, and, after a conference with his wife, brought him to his house, and bargained for a soldier. As soon as the quack had set about the job, the husband made a pretence of withdrawing, but hid himself behind the bed; when he saw the pair hard at work manufacturing the soldier agreed upon, he rushed forward, and giving the man's backside a vigorous push, so as to secure the advantage even of the fourth division: "By God's Holy Gospel," be shouted, "this will be a Pope!" fancying he had diddled the fellow."

"I think I should not omit to mention the place where most of the above tales were related, I might almost say, acted. That place is our Bugiale, a sort of laboratory for fibs, which the Pope's Secretaries had formerly instituted for their amusement. Until the reign of Pope Martin we were wont to select, within the precincts of the Court, a secluded room where we collected the news of the day, and conversed on various subjects, mostly with a view to relaxation, but sometimes also with serious intent. There nobody was spared, and whatever met with our disapprobation was freely censured; oftentimes the Pope himself was the first subject-matter of our criticism, so that many people attended our parties, lest they should themselves be the objects of our first chapter."