"[To Betty, before she leaves for the USO.] I don't know what they've told you down at the USO, but you're going to be meeting a lot of strange men. Men in uniform. Boys a long way from home, lonely, desperate. They really have one thing on their minds. Show them a good time."

"[To Gen. Stillwell] Sir, I'd like to say something. We've been through a lot, all of us. We faced the enemy for the first time last night, right in our own backyards. We came together, put all our differences aside and carried on the true spirit of America. I think no matter what happens, what sacrifices we have to face, we can carry forward, like Americans. While we're doing our repairs here, I'm going to hang this wreath on my front door - this symbol of Christmas, this symbol of peace. I just want to remind us all that we're not going to let a bunch of treacherous enemy killjoys ruin our Christmas. [Hangs wreath on door. House falls off cliff]"

"[to Donna] It's big. The biggest one here. You know what else? It's got a lot of range. You know what I mean by range, don't you? I mean, it can stay up for a long time. A very long time. And it's built firm and solid. Because it has to be. Because of its tremendous forward thrust. And when this baby delivers its payload... devastating."

"This isn't the state of California, it's a state of insanity."

"Bombs! I don't hear any bombs! Now they're up there. They came all the way from Asia. Don't you think they'd bring a few bombs along? You can't have an air raid without bombs!"

"[arriving at a movie theater] Ah, Dumbo. Sure be good to get my mind off things for a while."

"[referring to "Wild Bill" Kelso] That is the craziest son of a bitch I've ever seen."

"To Hollywood... and glory!"

"You sneaky little bastards aren't getting doodly shit from me. Except maybe my name, rank, and Social Security number: Wood, Hollis P., Lumberjack, Social Security 106-43-2185."

"You ain't gettin' shit out of me. I've been constipated all week and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it!"

"[after seeing Captain von Kleinschmidt enter] Jesus Palomino, a Nazi! I knew it, you're all in cahoots! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Heinie Kraut, I fought your kind in the Great War, and we kicked the living shit out of you!"

"[reporting over the radio on a riot at the USO] Ladies and gentlemen, every where I look... soldiers are fighting sailors, sailors are fighting Marines! Directly in front of me, I see a flying blond floozy! Everywhere I look... everywhere, pure pandemonium... pandemonium!"

"PFC Foley: I'll tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna go home, we're gonna paint the scratches on this tank, we're gonna put the sarge to bed and we're gonna forget this night ever happened!"

"Japanese soldier: [trying to squeeze a large radio into the sub] We've got to figure out how to make these things smaller!"

"Paranoia meets pandemonium."

"As They Roared Into Battle, Only One Thing Was Missing...The Enemy!"

"A Comedy Spectacular!"

"Dan Aykroyd - Motor Sergeant Frank Tree"

"Ned Beatty - Ward Douglas"

"John Belushi - Captain Wild Bill Kelso"

"Lorraine Gary - Joan Douglas"

"Murray Hamilton - Claude Crumn"

"Christopher Lee - Captain Wolfgang Von Kleinschmidt"

"Tim Matheson - Captain Loomis Birkhead"

"Toshiro Mifune - Commander Akiro Mitamura"

"Warren Oates - Colonel "Madman" Maddox"

"Robert Stack - Major General Joseph W. Stilwell"

"Treat Williams - Corporal Chuck Sitarski"

"Nancy Allen - Donna Stratton"

"Bobby Di Cicco - Wally Stephens"

"Eddie Deezen - Herbie Kazlminsky"

"Walter Olkewicz - Private Hinshaw"

"Dianne Kay - Betty Douglas"

"Slim Pickens - Hollis P. Wood"

"Kerry Sherman - USO Girl"

"Wendie Jo Sperber - Maxine Dexheimer"

"John Candy - Private First Class Foley"

"John Voldstad - USO Nerd"

"Perry Lang - Dennis DeSoto"

"Geno Silva - Martinez"

"Patti LuPone - Lydia Hedberg"

"Whitney Rydbeck - Daffy"

"Penny Marshall - Miss Fitzroy"

"Lucinda Dooling - Lucinda"

"Frank McRae - Private Ogden Johnson Jones"

"Steven Mond - Gus Douglas"

"Dub Taylor - Mr. Malcomb"

"Luis Contreras - Zoot Suiter"

"Lionel Stander - Angelo Scioli"