"Vince: It's all yours now, all of them, all the poofs and all the dykes and all the people inbetween. And this lot, they'll shag ya, they'll rob ya, some of them might even love ya. They'll all forget you in the end. Just stick with your friends, you'll be fine."

"Stuart: What, come back to this? The ghetto: alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway, straights and students coming to look at the freak show, and all the idiots saving all week, saving their stupid money from their stupid idiot jobs so they can come and shoot their load with some stranger. And just you look after it, this stupid little street. It's the middle of the world. Cos on a street like this, every single night, anyone can meet anyone. And every single night, someone meets someone."

"Stuart: So, er, how many men have you had now? Nathan: Dunno. About... seven? Vince: Shit. Stuart: Seven. I must've had about 2,007. Nathan: Yeah? That means I've got 2,000 to go. How many have you got left?"

"Stuart: We don't do hammers, or nails, or saw. We do joints and screws, but that's different. Stuart's mother: Who does? Stuart: Queers. Because I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, batty-boy, backside artist, bugger. I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I fuck and I am fucked. I suck and I am sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the fucking time of his life. And I am not a pervert. If there's one twisted bastard in this family, it's this little blackmailer here. So congratulations, Thomas. I've just officially outed you."

"Nathan: I'm still gonna go out, to the Village. Nathan's dad: Not on school nights you're not. Nathan: And I'm not gonna change. You know that, don't you? Cos it isn't a phase. I'm not gonna grow out of it. I'm gonna be gay forever. Nathan's dad: You've made your mind up. It's obvious there's no stopping you. It's Helen I'm worried about. She's ten years old. She's a child. I don't want her head filled with notions. Nathan: Like what? Nathan's dad: As far as Helen's concerned, the anus is for shit. Got that?"

"Stuart: Here she is! Rosalie, have you met Cameron? Let's go say hello. Cameron! This is Cameron, he's Vince's boyfriend. They've been going out for ages! Cameron says Vince shags like a rabbit! He's bought him a car! He's the perfect boyfriend – they're practically married!"

"Vince: What with?!"

"Cameron: [Grabs Vince and kisses him] Call me."

"Vince: Oi, that’s my phone!"

"Cameron: [exasperated] Wait a minute, I know Martin Brooks, give me the phone."

"Vince: I don’t know. But he’s got a wife and a dodgy roof."

"Marie: Who the fuck is Martin Brooks?!"

"Vince: Hold on. [Switches calls] Marie. Is your date with Martin Brooks?"

"Vince: Whose roof’s fallen in?!"

"Sandra: He is with Martin Brooks! And his roof has fallen in!"

"Vince: Sorry, wrong woman, hold on. [Switches calls again to Sandra] Sandra, no Martin Brooks."

"Marie: Who the hell is Martin Brooks?"

"Vince: [Switches calls, accidentally answers Marie’s instead of Sandra’s] He’s not with Martin Brooks."

"Stuart: I’ve never heard of Martin Brooks."

"Vince: I’ve got Sandra chasing Martin Brooks."

"Stuart: How do you know Martin Brooks?"

"Vince: Are you with Martin Brooks?"

"Stuart: You hung up on me."

"Vince: Who the hell is Martin Brooks? Hold on, call waiting. [Answers] What?!"

"Sandra: Martin Brooks’!"

"Vince: Whose wife?"

"Sandra: His wife’s going mental."

"Sandra: Vince, put him on. I know full well he’s taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive."

"Vince: I’m not. Honestly, I’m not. Hold on, call waiting again. [Answers] Yeah?"

"Sandra Gough – Irma Ogden"

"Anne Reid – Valerie Barlow"

"Ken Barlow - William Roache"

"Lynne Carol - Martha Longhurst"

"Violet Carson - Ena Sharples"

"Patricia Phoenix - Elsie Tanner"

"Anne Kirkbride – Deirdre Hunt/Barlow"

"Jack Howarth – Albert Tatlock"

"Shirin Taylor - Jackie Ingram"

"w:Johnny Briggs - Mike Baldwin"

"Steve McDonald - Simon Gregson"

"Fred Feast - Fred Gee"

"Julie Goodyear - Bet Lynch"

"Alan Howard – Alan Browning"

"Doris Speed – Annie Walker"

"Margot Bryant – Minnie Caldwell"

"Rabies: So, if that's Marian. And that's Robin. And that's Little Ron.... Where's Plop plop? Plop Plop: (A large purple alien) Here I am! Rabies: See, I knew there had to be a simple explanation."

"Barrington: It's pancake day, yes it's pancake day. It's p-p-p-p-p-pancake day."

"King John: Under what are you accused? Barrington: Selling a rat, answering back, whistling in the corridor and dumb insolence. King John: Then I find you... Guilty! Hahah hah! Barrington [sarcastically]: Aw, thanks very much! King John: And I sentence you to 500 lines, and a months torture! Barrington: Awww... I HATE lines..."