"I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid and his name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other every day and bless his heart, Shiloh'd always let me win!"

"You motor-boating son of a bitch, you old sailor you!"

"I'm a cocksman!"

"Proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me."

"I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love it on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?"

"Give me a break! That was my first Asian!"

"Yeah that, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night."

"The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me."

"Lock it up!"

"It feels so good when he jokes."

"I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you want to know what? I dig it."

"I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here."

"I'm a little too traumatized to enjoy a scone right now."

"I don’t think that you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation. I’m terrified of this broad."

"Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage five? Virgin? Clinger? Let’s go, I’m gonna start the car, I’m serious, let’s go."

"You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!"

"Rule number 76: no excuses. Play like a champion."

"I don't even wear a belt...beltless."

"Oh please! You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!"

"You better lock it up."

"It's the first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a hail Mary? I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula! Look, we've been to a million weddings and you know what? We've rocked them all."

"I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse."

"I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!"

"There he is, the big guy!"

"Husband: Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!"

"Chazz's mom: Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your fucking skateboard!"

"Grandma: He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanor, big dyke. Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule."

"Husband: Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby!"

"Wife: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

"You're coming with!"

"(Upon finding out that Jeremy is getting married) What?! What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for me and you!"

"Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot! Ha ha. "A-a-ah! I'm hang-gliding, honey! Take a good picture! I'm dead!" What a freak!"

"It's like fishing with dynamite."

"Come on in for the real thing."

"Ma! The meatloaf! Fuck!"

"What is she doing? I never know what she is doing back there."

"Hey, Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! The meatloaf!"

"Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?!"

"I'm just living the dream."

"God darn you! I almost nun-chucked you. You don't even realize!"

"What the fuck do you want?"