"I forgot that I was hired to do a job for you and that it was just a temp job at that. I forgot that I had two hundred and fifty million people who were paying me to make their lives a little better and I didn't live up to my part of the bargain. See, there are certain things you should expect from a President. I ought to care more about you than I do about me... I ought to care more about what's right than I do about what's popular. I ought to be willing to give this whole thing up for something I believe in."

"In a country where anybody can become President, anybody just did."

"Kevin Dunn - Alan Reed"

"She's great. She's really exotic. She's a princess. She's Polynesian — well, half Polynesian, and half American. She's... Amnesian."

"[singing in the shower] Hail to the chief / He's the one we all say "Hail" to. / We all say "Hail" / 'Cause he keeps himself so clean! / He's got the power, / That's why he's in the shower..."

"If you've ever seen the look on somebody's face the day they finally get a job, I've had some experience with this, they look like they could fly. And it's not about the paycheck, it's about respect, it's about looking in the mirror and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day. And if one person could start to feel this way, and then another person, and then another person, soon all these other problems may not seem so impossible. You don't really know how much you can do until you, stand up and decide to try."

"Elisabeth Shue - Elisabeth Shue"

"Amy Poehler - Cricket Feldstein"

"David Arquette - Gary"

"Arnie Pantoja - Vitamin J"

"Michael Esparza - Chuy"

"Natalie Amenula - Yolanda"

"Joseph Julian Soria - Octavio Marquez"

"Skylar Astin - Rand Posin"

"Phoebe Strole - Epiphany Sellars"

"Catherine Keener - Brie Marschz"

"Melonie Diaz - Ivonne"

"Chuy, you're going to have a magical life. Because no matter where you go, it's always going to be better than Tucson."

"It's getting late... and my wife is ovulating."

"[in commercial] I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now - but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol!"

"I feel like I've been raped....IN THE FACE!"

"It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail!"

"You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose!"

"I still get nervous around ethnics."

"Steve Coogan - Dana Marschz"

"Joe Ponazecki – Montgomery Shrapp"