"[narrating] Here's what I found out. That all of life is a learning experience. Everything is part of a big master pl…"

"You're not anybody in America unless you're on TV. On TV is where we learn about who we really are. Because what's th…"

"The point is that, for instance, Connie Chung, who is married, I believe, to Maury Povich, the well-known interviewer…"

"It's nice to live in a country where life, liberty...and all the rest of it still stand for something."

"You know Mr. Gorbachev, the guy that ran Russia for so long? I am a firm believer that he would still be in power tod…"

"I believe that in our fast-moving computer age it is the medium of television that joins together the global communit…"

"[to Lydia about Russell and Jimmy] It's their word against mine. Who are they? Bunch of 16-year-old losers who grew u…"

"Any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, I have to jack off."

"I'll be here every day for life, plus 30 years, if I live that long."

"Nicole Kidman - Suzanne Stone"