"I used to want to be like the other kids, you know! I wanted to be a surfer! I wanted to be hip and bitchy and gnarly, but that's over now, it all ended one miserable afternoon: I was having an innocent soda, and they spiked it! And you know with what? [lifts up shirt to reveal a pair of breasts] With a powerful reverse-sex hormone! Do you know what it's like to be the only guy at the beach with tits?!"

"[repeated line] Can you relate?"

"[seeing his son sabotage his surfing bet] I'm gonna beat that kid like I don't know him."

"I want you to dust the beach for prints."

"Chuck's Dad: If you're worried about your kids, lock them up, beat them, do anything you damn well please, but for Christ's sake, don't stop innocent kids from drinking cola and surfing, it's the American way! [on the verge of tears] Surfing's built this town...and it's damn well built this country."

"Bob: Don't think, just drink!"

"Chuck's Mom: You people are so full of shit your eyes are brown!"

"The Movie That Gives Insanity A Bad Name!"

"Eric Stoltz - Chuck"

"Jeffrey Rogers - Bob"

"Joshua Cadman - Johnny Big Head"

"Corrine Bohrer - Cindy Lou"

"Terry Kiser - Jocko's Dad"

"[after watching a zombie smash open a vending machine with its head] Must be from L.A.! A-bow-bow!"

"Cleavon Little - Principal Daddy-O"

"Abigail Breslin - Little Rock"

"Emma Stone - Wichita"

"Bill Murray - Himself"

"Woody Harrelson - Tallahassee"

"Jesse Eisenberg - Columbus"

"A comedy that kills."

"Nut up or shut up."

"Survival rule #21: Avoid strip clubs."

"This place is so dead"

"Welcome to Zombieland."

"Our land is their land."

"[looking through a fried-Twinkie stand] Where are ya, ya spongy yellow delicious bastards?! Where are ya?!"

"Survival rule #28: Get a kickass partner."

"There's a box of Twinkies in that Grocery Store. Not just any Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and someday soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty."

"[silently crying about losing his 3-year-old son to the zombies] I haven't cried like that since Titanic."

"My momma always told me "Someday you'll be good at somethin'." Who'd have guessed that somethin' would be zombie killin'?"

"Survival rule#4: Don't be a hero."

"[last lines] So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. [Tallahassee hits the zombie with the car door] I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night."

"Time to nut up or shut up."

"[voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown] Oh, God. Look at this fucking clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules... [the words "RULE #17: DON'T BE A HERO" appear, with the word "DON'T" falling down, and turning into "RULE #17: BE A HERO"] ...are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. Fuck this clown."

"[about Columbus, after seeing him kiss Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck."

"I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people."

"Survival rule #1: Cardio."

"[to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like developed in a secret government lab!"

"James Jarrett - gravedigger."

"Lucas Till - Jensen"

"Justin Welborn - Kyle Grubin."

"Blair Redford - Nash Rambler"

"Mark Oliver - Coach Keel"

"Randy McDowell - Jules"

"Greyson Chadwick - Lindsey"

"Chandler Darby - Steven"

"Jared Kusnitz - Jimmy"

"Carissa Capobianco - Gwen"

"It's their night to come alive."