"Father to a mudered son, husband to a murdered wife ... but that's when I call Claims Direct! [cheesy music starts, Maximus walks through a call centre] If you've been involved in a motor accident that wasn't your fault, had a trip or fall anywhere, or had your family brutally murdered by the Empire's legionaires, call now."

"Call MCMXXVI, that's MCMXXVI"

"I once had the plans, but they were stolen by Proximo and Gracchus."

"Is your friend one of those who would plot a war against me?"

"We must bathe with the women slaves ... it will heighten the men's spirits before going into battle."

"Mick? I will call you Mickus"

"[when asked whether 900 "portaloos" are needed for his soldiers] Well we can't have 20 soldiers to 1 shitter."

"We must protect ourselves ... from the Visigoths, and the Huns, and the Barbarian Horde."

"Hello, welcome to Fame Academy. I'm Patrick Kealty - I'm Irish, I got spikey hair so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton. So much for theories! We've got twelve contestants, three judges, two viewers!"

"Hello, I'm Natasha Kaplinsky — half television presenter, half prize-winning cat!"

"Welcome back to another special edition with me, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the secret love child of Alan Davies and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout…"

"Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig: love child of Bilbo Baggins and an Ewok…", and, "Hello, I'm Sandi Toksvig, the original hobbit…"

"You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, Britain's brainest potato…" and "You're watching Newsnight Review with me, Mark Lawson, I am the eggman, Martha Kearney is the walrus…"

"Hello, you're watching Newsnight Review so you've probably lost your remote control."

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, Hollywood's most powerful Ewok."

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, you know lots of people say to me: "George? Why do you keep going back and tampering with the old Star Wars movies we love and keep creating crappy new ones we hate?" You know what I say to them? "You're fired!"."

"I'm Kirstie Allsopp, half woman, half Care Bear…"

"Martin Freeman - Tim Canterbury"

"Mackenzie Crook - Gareth Keenan"

"Lucy Davis - Dawn Tinsley"

"Ricky Gervais - David Brent"

"Rebecca Front - Barbara Wintergreen, Rosy May, Valerie Sinatra, Ange of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Doon Mackichan - Collaterlie Sisters, Maria of "The Bureau", other roles"

"David Schneider - Sylvester Stewart, Brant, Alex of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Patrick Marber - Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, Jacques-'Jacques' Liverot, Chapman Baxter, Guy of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Michael Alexander St John - Voiceover"

"Chris Morris - Himself, Ted Maul, other roles"

"Steve Coogan - Alan Partridge, Alvin Holler, Mr Hennety of "The Bureau", other roles"

"Hermit, before the opening titles: 'It's..."

"John Cleese"

"Terry Gilliam"

"Terry Jones"

"Michael Palin"

"Carol Cleveland"

"Announcer: And now for something completely different."

"Five [episodes] are definitely cringe-worthy … on balance, and I suppose another five or so [are] a little below par, and about a third of the rest are pretty good. And the rest: really, really, quite good."

"The BBC were constantly replacing us with such important things as show jumping. They didn't like us very much at all."

"Graham Chapman"