"A new documentary series on Wednesday tries to discover the reasons why more and more Brits every year are turning to drink. That's followed at 9 by Fame Academy."

"You're watching BBC Four. Quiet, isn't it?"

"Later this evening here on 4, a sensitive and moving documentary exploring the issues surrounding obesity, in When Fat People Explode."

"Coming up next on ITV, go on, guess! Just guess, no clues, nothing. Just guess. Well done! A Touch of Frost."

"Coming up later this evening on BBC One, lots of loud, irritating, pointless trails for digital radio. Followed by equally loud pointless trails for cBeebies and Restoration, and if there's time we might even throw in a few programmes as well!"

"And we've a real treat tonight for viewers on 4. Yes, it's a programme without the word 'house' in the title!"

"Tomorrow night at 9 here on ITV, Real Lives looks at masochists, and what drives them night after night to watch ITV."

"Coming up next on BBC One, the Test Card. That's followed on BBC Three by the Test Card: Extra, looking at what the Test Card does when it's not on television."

"Coming up later on BBC One, The National Lottery: Winning Lines, the big-prize quiz game where with just one call to Philip Schofield, you could really make your night. Go on, call him a twat, live on peak-time television!"

"It's 6 o'clock on BBC Two, and you've tuned in because you've forgotten we don't have The Simpsons anymore. No, instead we have a double bill of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Every single weekday. Frankly we're just rubbing salt into the wound!"

"Tonight on 4, we're going to show one of the most highly acclaimed drama series that America has ever made, at 2:30 in the morning! In the meantime, you can watch all the shite we make here."

"Friday night sees Episode 3 of Peter Ackroyd's London. And the show's fully interactive, so at the end simply press the red button on your digital handset, and someone will come around, run a key down the side of your car and steal your wallet."

"This is Channel Four. To fulfill our remit for broadcasting daring, innovative and challenging television that may, at times, be difficult to watch - we're gonna play an episode of Friends backwards."

"This week on EastEnders, Sonia celebrates her engagement to the man who murdered her last fiancee, and he asks the person who was in the car with them to be his best man. Yeah, we know... we've stopped watching it too."

"Now on ITV, a desperate bid for ratings, as the character Tanya Turner from Footballer's Wives turns up in Bad Girls. Tomorrow, Sergeant Leyton from Heartbeat joins The Bill, and there's a new landlord at the Woolpack: Sir Trevor McDonald!"

"Now on BBC One, prestige drama, but don't worry there's plenty of guns and cleavage to get you through."

"Tonight on 4, there's another triple bill of Friends, but first there's a quick update on the scores: Channel 4 has only broadcast 28 hours of Friends this week, whilst E4 are storming ahead with 37 hours! That's just 19 hours short of total Friends saturation, and believe-me (voice turns into a Dalek) THAT-DAY-WILL-COME!"

"CHANNEL FIVE ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night our seemingly never-ending Nazi documentary season continues scraping the bottom of the barrel with the start of our new 10-part series: Allo, Allo!: A Warning from History."

"Coming up on Friday's episode of EastEnders, Ian Beale gets the result of the DNA test: and gets the shock of his life. He is human after all."

"You're watching Channel Five! Hello stranger, long time since we've seen you around here, isn't it? You used to flick by all the time when we showed soft porn all evening! Is that all we were to you!? I thought we had something special! No, no, I'm actually not gonna show you the movie now, just get out of my sight!"

"There's drama here later tonight on Five, when we finally run out of programmes about the Nazis, and realise that there's only one thing for it. We'll have to invade Poland!"

"Later on Channel Four at 10:30, Inside the Mind of Liza Minnelli. Then the weather at 10:32."

"(At the Argentine Tango BBC One Ident): And now on BBC One, look at the people dancing! Just look at them, aren't they pretty? They're dancing in the rain, but they don't care, they're just dancing and dancing and dancing. That lady's so pretty, I think she might be a princess. Wish I was dancing in the rain... sigh."

"Wednesday night on Destination D-Day, here on BBC One, there's a shock in store for the 15 raw recruits recreating life in a World War II training camp: when they're told that back home, 15 Americans are shagging their girlfriends."

"At 8 tomorrow on BBC Two, we've got The Good Life. That's followed by Porridge at 8:30, and later at 10 there's That Was the Week we Watched . A nostalgic programme looking back at the shows we had been watching this week in 1979: which were Porridge and The Good Life."

"This week on EastEnders, there's trouble in store for Kat Slater, when she's mistaken for a panda, tranquilized, and returned to London Zoo."

"Next on BBC Two, Top Gear, and Jeremy Clarkson reviews the best hoses for siphoning petrol out of the new Mazda MX-5."

"Thursday night on 4 at 9'o'clock, there's the second part of our disturbing documentary series Human Mutants. This week it's Dermot O'Leary."

"You're watching BBC Four, quiet isn't it? I'm eating a Bath Oliver biscuit and some rather splendid olives, um."

"It's a very special day for us on ITV now, as our new drama A Line in the Sand marks our 60th attempt of a vehicle for Ross Kemp. Let us never forget its fallen comrades."

"Coming up on ITV1, after having played a cab driver in Shame, Frank Skinner is back on another show where he's carrying a passenger, where he is co-hosting Fantasy Football with David Baddiel!"

"Tuesday night on 4, there's Big Brother, followed by Sex with Strangers, followed by EuroTrash... after which you should probably take a shower. But no matter how hard you scrub, you'll still feel dirty!!"

"(At the Ribbon Gymnasts BBC One Ident): Now on BBC One, Drama. Oh no, oh God, she's falling, somebody save her! Somebody please, save her! Oh...! Oh no, she's OK... oh... they're all OK! Phew, I was worried there for a moment!"

"This Sunday afternoon, there's football on One, tennis on Two, football on Three and cricket on Four. Welcome to Channel Five, for everyone who pretended they left their games kit on the bus!"

"Tonight on 4, we're setting aside acres of airtime to analyze the single-most important American event of the year. Yes, we've got The Simpsons. Yah, boo, sucks to you, BBC!"

"Next month on 4, a moving and thought-provoking documentary that looks at the effective decomposition on the human body after death. That's Too Dead to Wash, with Kim and Aggie!"

"All next week on ITV, we'll be screening unseen episodes of Trisha, which presumably could be any of them."

"Now on ITV1, the first of a six-part fly on the wall documentary about Jordan and Peter Andre. No, I'm not joking, I only wish I were."

"On the Frank Skinner Show this week, the singer Joss Stone and the football manager Ron Atkinson - where they both get to listen to the amusing anecdotes of special guest star, Frank Skinner."

"Coming up this evening at 7:30 here on Five, there's House Doctor, then Hot Property, then House Busters, and then House Doctor again. Yeah, it's Friday night, we know you're in the pub, so we've put some programmes on for your house to watch while you're out!"

"Friday night on ITV, and Rosemary and Thyme! There's a big shock in store for our sleuthing duo when no-one gets murdered, and the ladies are forced to do some bloody gardening for a change. Get on your knees and get your hands dirty, you lazy old biddies!"

"So, here's the rest of the day's line-up: three identical programmes about people trying to sell their house, followed by five identical programmes about people being made to live with people they're not likely to get on with. And on the other four channels, exactly the same thing."

"Imagine returns to BBC One this week, with an Arthur Miller special. America's most famous living playwright movingly discusses his early seminal work, his latest play, and his marriage to Marilyn Monroe. That's Phwoar, I gave her one! Yes really, I did!, Wednesday at 10:45."

"You're watching BBC Four. Exciting, wasn't it? A five-hour documentary about Lech Wałęsa in Welsh."

"Later on 4: Morgan and Platel, where an ex-Mirror editor and an ex-Tory spin doctor continue to spark debate around the country. Like 'if you could only punch one of them, which would it be?'"

"You're watching ITV1. Coronation Street goes all '24' this week with a series of programmes in real time! Viewers will be gripped as Jack Duckworth has only 24 hours to find and defuse one of Betty's hotpots!"

"Now here on 4, the Sex Inspectors, where a couple with difficulties in the boardroom get the chance to do the nasty on national television - while two experts get to point out to everyone what they're doing wrong. Frankly, I'd rather carry on being a crap shag!"

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green: Jordan for the Home Counties!"

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, from now on I'll be reading the news Calendar Girls-style."

"BBC Radio 4, I'm Charlotte Green, and yes, I am shaking my Tic-Tacs at you."