"[holds up a banana] Man is like a banana. Strong and firm, bright and phallic, and he's protected by his all-important shield. But, when a woman comes along, you know, she sees this bright phallic beast and she wants it. So, she starts peeling away your all-important shield. [peels the banana] First, she wants to see your romantic side, then she wants to see your passionate side, finally she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side. She keeps peeling and peeling until your left there buck naked, totally exposed with your balls blowing in the wind. And that's when she gets her knife, and she cuts away your manhood piece by piece until she's having your cock in her corn flakes."

"I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable failure."

"Repression is not such a bad thing."

"I don't need any new ideas. I'm confused enough already."

"What am I going to do with my life? You know I didn't think college was actually going to end."

"Jack Mulcahy - Jack McMullen"

"Elizabeth McKay - Ann"

"You're calling me a bitch?"

"[playing ping pong with Frank] You know, you have to try. If you don't try, it's no fun for me."

"[to Lili] Put me in your mouth."

"She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of Kafka, but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her cunt?"

"Halley Feiffer - Sophie Greenberg"

"Eli Gelb - Jeffrey"

"Henry Glovinsky - Lance"

"Adam Rose - Otto"

"Anna Paquin - Lili"

"David Benger - Carl"

"William Baldwin - Ivan"

"Jesse Eisenberg - Walt Berkman"

"Laura Linney - Joan Berkman"

"Jeff Daniels - Bernard Berkman"

"Owen Kline - Frank Berkman"

"Joint Custody Blows."

"Frank Berkman: Across the park? Is that still Brooklyn?"

"Jeffrey: She could probably move her pussy muscles just the right way so you blow your load in like seconds."

"Walt Berkman: It's like... we were pals then... we'd do things together... we'd look at the knight armor at the Met. The scary fish at the Natural History Museum. I was always afraid of the squid and whale fighting. I can only look at it with my hands in front of my face."

"You're being a shit, Walt!"

"Benjamin Bratt - Matt Schramm"

"Keanu Reeves - Perry Lyman"

"Vincent D'Onofrio - Mike Cobb"

"Tilda Swinton - Audrey Cobb"

"Lou Taylor Pucci - Justin Cobb"

"That's 'cause we all wanna be problemless. To fix ourselves. We look for some magic solution to make us all better, but none of us really know what we're doing. And why is that so bad? That's all we humans can do. Guess. Try. Hope. But, Justin, just pray you don't fool yourself into thinking you've got the answer. Because that's bullshit. The trick is living without an answer. I think"

"You ever think that maybe you are so busy being weird that I have to step up and be normal?"

"Chase Offerle - Joel Cobb"