"[Opening narration] WARNING: The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do not attempt any of the stunts you're about to see."

"[Opening line] Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!"

"Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my rocket skates."

"Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that."

"[After being beat up by Butterbean] Is Butterbean OK?"

"I think I'm a little concussed."

"[Laughing at Dave England who has soiled himself] Oh shit, I'm taking a cab back to the hotel!"

"[Giving off camera direction to Jason "Wee-Man" Acuna] Kick yourself in the head, wee man."

"Do you have a pocket ass?"

"[After returning the smashed up car] But I returned it with a full tank of gas."

"[Referring to firework going off] That almost hit Loomis in the face!"

"There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O!... One thing I know, is good tightrope walking!"

"You little bastard!"

"I fell and busted my ass, that's what's fuckin' wrong!"

"[To Steve-O] Go grab the dead kitty! [Later, in disbelief after Steve O exits the septic river] You're not going to save the kitty?"

"That was my flesh!"

"[To "Jewelery Burglary" skit bystander] I was barely halfway through the ceiling and you were already out the door!"