"They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...[smiles goofily] ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [starts twisting balloons and then when he finishes, he holds up jumbled bunch of twisted balloons] Your lower intestines."

"My whole life is have to..."

"That is one messed-up little dude."

"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

"Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs."

"Open this door! Goddamnit to hell! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!"

"[Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking."

"No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!"

"I give them six months. Three, if she cooks."

"[on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening."

"Steve Martin - Gil Buckman"

"Mary Steenburgen - Karen Buckman"

"Dianne Wiest - Helen Buckman-Lampkin"

"Jason Robards - Frank Buckman"

"Rick Moranis - Nathan Huffner"

"Tom Hulce - Larry Buckman"

"Martha Plimpton - Julie Lampkin"

"Keanu Reeves - Tod Higgins"

"Harley Kozak - Susan Buckman-Huffner"

"Dennis Dugan - Dave Brodsky"

"Helen Shaw - Grandma"

"Frank Buckman"

"Marilyn Buckman: Frank's wife"

"Helen Buckman-Lampkin: Frank & Marilyn's first daughter (1st child)"

"George Bowman: Helen's 2nd husband"

"Gil Buckman: Frank & Marilyn's first son (2nd child)"

"Karen Buckman: Gil's wife"

"Susan Buckman: Frank & Marilyn's second daughter (3rd child)"

"I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river! Do you believe this!?"

"Jake Gyllenhaal- Danny Robbins"

"Yeardley Smith- Nancy"

"Patricia Wettig- Barbara Robbins"

"Tracey Walter- Cookie"

"Noble Willingham- Clay Stone"

"Helen Slater- Bonnie Chambers"

"Jack Palance- Curly"

"Bruno Kirby- Ed Furillo"

"Daniel Stern- Phil Berquist"

"Billy Crystal- Mitch Robbins"

"Yesterday they were businessmen; today they are cowboys; tomorrow they'll be walking funny."

"When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle. But look at ya now; a bunch of tenderfeet bringin' in a whole herd!"

"I feel as happy as a puppy dog with two peters."

"Great gobs of goose shit!"

"City folk."

"She a redhead? I like redheads."