Satire Films

"(in Klingon) Graeme. Strike this woman."

"Mother fucking titty-sucking two-balled bitch!"

"Clive likes boning space bears!"

"He needs our help. Sometimes you just got to roll the dice."

"(after shooting the communicator) Boring conversation anyway."

"We’re just a couple of regular guys on a tour of the less touristy side of the American Midwest."

"(to Graeme, who is drawing a portrait of him) Are you going to draw me like one of your French girls, Jack?"

"You were amazing, Graeme! That cop didn’t suspect a thing! And Clive… you didn’t pee your pants."

"Get your goddamn hands off my motherfucking junk!"

"Yo, fucknuts! It’s probing time."

"Clive, I can feel your boner."

"(to Haggard and O’Reilly) Listen to me, Frick and Fuck, I want you to tell me everything you remember about the pissy nerds."

"Johnny Conny Tony Thomas - The Gay Ambassador"

"Konrad Fields - Mr. Schwul"

"Eden Richardson- Sgt. Shaved Balls"

"Gerald F. Hail - D. Ildo"

"[seeing a man and a woman kissing] Holy Phallus! What are they DOING down there?"

"Kneel down, and get ready to receive the holy gay nigger cum rug seed! May it grant you supernatural powers and eternal life!"

"Coco P. Dalbert - ArmInAss"

"Sammy Saloman - Capt. B. Dick"

"Ben Aris - John Thomas, Undermaster"

"David Griffin - Willens"

"Sean Bury - Jute"

"Mary MacLeod - Mrs. Kemp"

"Geoffrey Chater - Chaplain"

"Mona Washbourne - Matron"

"Charles Sturridge - Markland"

"Michael Cadman - Fortinbras"

"Peter Sproule - Barnes"

"Hugh Thomas - Denson"

"Robert Swann - Rowntree"

"Philip Bagenal - Peanuts"

"Peter Jeffrey - Headmaster"

"Richard Warwick - Wallace"

"Christine Noonan - The Girl"

"Anthony Nicholls - General Denson"

"Rupert Webster - Bobby Phillips"

"Paradise is for the blessed. Not for the sex-obsessed."

"Space, you see, Michael, is all expanding at the speed of light. It's a mathematical certainty that among all those millions of stars, there's another planet where they speak English."

"[to Mick] Go on. Look at me. Look at my eyes. I'll kill you. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and my eyes get bigger and bigger. And I'm like a tiger. I like tigers. Rrrrah!"

"Malcolm McDowell - Michael Arnold "Mick" Travis"

"David Wood - Johnny"

"Arthur Lowe - Mr. Kemp"

"Boys! Boys! I understand you! Listen to reason and trust me! Trust me! [the Girl pulls out a pistol and shoots him in the forehead]"

"[to Rowntree, after being told that he, Wallace and Knightly are to be punished for their behaviour] The thing I hate about you, Rowntree, is the way you give Coca-Cola to your scum and your best teddy-bear to Oxfam and expect us to lick your frigid fingers for the rest of your frigid life."

"[to Wallace, watching as Knightly is being flogged] Christ, that was a bit low!"

"[to Denson, after being told he knows nothing of the school's motto] You mean that bit of wool on your tit?"

"We're on our own now."

"[discussing horrible ways to die] Being flayed alive. That's what the Crusaders did to their enemies. Used to send their neatly folded skins back to their victims' wives."

"The night's dead. You can hardly breathe outside. The thing I'd really hate is to have a nail banged through the back of my neck. Slowly. [laughs] I don't see what difference the speed makes. [laughs] The speed of the nail. [laughs] The -The -The nail's speed! [laughs] The s-speed. [laughs]"