"Ironic particle: the physical manifestation of irony existing latent in every atom in the universe. But my preliminary research suggests that the ironic particles are only activated by the brain when we want something, and so forming a "desire chain"—but only by a certain type of person."

"Tell me, why do we require a trip to Mount Everest in order to be able to perceive one moment of reality? I mean... I mean, is Mount Everest more "real" than New York? I mean, isn't New York "real"? I mean, you see, I think if you could become fully aware of what existed in the cigar store next door to this restaurant, I think it would just blow your brains out! I mean... I mean, isn't there just as much "reality" to be perceived in the cigar store as there is on Mount Everest?"

"Wallace Shawn - Wally Shawn"

"Andre Gregory - Andre Gregory"

"Someone asked me the other day if I could name a movie that was entirely devoid of cliches. I thought for a moment, and then answered, My Dinner With Andre. Now I have seen the movie again; a restored print is going into release around the country, and I am impressed once more by how wonderfully odd this movie is, how there is nothing else like it. It should be unwatchable, and yet those who love it return time and again, enchanted."

"One of the gifts of "My Dinner with Andre" is that we share so many of the experiences. Although most of the movie literally consists of two men talking, here's a strange thing: We do not spend the movie just passively listening to them talk. At first, director Louis Malle's sedate series of images (close-ups, two-shots, reaction shots) calls attention to itself, but as Gregory continues to talk, the very simplicity of the visual style renders it invisible. And like the listeners at the feet of a master storyteller, we find ourselves visualizing what Gregory describes, until this film is as filled with visual images as a radio play — more filled, perhaps, than a conventional feature film. ... The movie is not ponderous, annoyingly profound, or abstract. It is about living, and Gregory seems to have lived fully in his five years of dropping out. Shawn is the character who seems more like us. He listens, he nods eagerly, he is willing to learn, but — something holds him back. Pragmatic questions keep asking themselves. He can't buy Gregory's vision, not all the way. He'd like to, but this is a real world we have to live in, after all, and if we all danced with the druids in the forests of Poland, what would happen to the market for fortune cookies?"

"He said 'I think that New York is the new model for the new concentration camp, where the camp has been built by the inmates themselves and the inmates are the guards and they have this pride in this thing they've built? They've built their own prison! And so, they exist in a state of schizophrenia where they are both guards and prisoners and, as a result, they no longer have -- having been lobotomized -- the capacity to leave the prison they've made or to even see it as a prison.' And then he went into his pocket and he took out a seed for a tree and he said 'This is a pine tree'. He put it in my hand and he said 'Escape before it's too late'."

"Okay, yes. We're bored. We're all bored now. But has it ever occurred to you, Wally, that the process that creates this boredom that we see in the world now, may very well be a self-perpetuating, unconscious form of brainwashing created by a world totalitarian government based on money? And that all of this is much more dangerous than one thinks? And its not just a question of individual survival, Wally, but that somebody who's bored is asleep, and somebody who's asleep will not say no?"

"Things don't affect people the way they used to. I mean it may very well be that 10 years from now people will pay $10,000 in cash to be castrated just in order to be affected by something."

"Do you know, in Sanskrit the root of the verb "to be" is the same as "to grow" or "to make grow"."

"I wouldn't put on an electric blanket for any reason. First, I'd be worried if I get electrocuted. No, I don't trust technology. But I mean, the main thing, Wally, is that I think that kind of comfort just separates you from reality in a very direct way."

"Remember that moment when Marlon Brando sent the Indian woman to accept the Oscar, and everything went haywire? Things just very rarely go haywire now. If you're just operating by habit, then you're not really living."

"[voiceover] All the other customers seemed to have left hours ago. We got the bill, and André paid for our dinner! I treated myself to a taxi. I rode home through the city streets. There wasn't a street, there wasn't a building, that wasn't connected to some memory in my mind. There, I was buying a suit with my father. There, I was having an ice cream soda after school. When I finally came in, Debbie was home from work, and I told her everything about my dinner with Andre."

"[voiceover] The life of a playwright is tough. It's not easy as some people seem to think. You work hard writing plays and nobody puts them on. You take up other lines of work to try to make a living. I became an actor, and people don't hire you. So you just spend your days doing the errands of your trade. Today I had to be up by ten in the morning to make some important phone calls. Then I'd gone to the stationery store to buy envelopes. Then to the xerox shop. There were dozens of things to do. By five o'clock, I'd finally made it to the post office and mailed off several copies of my plays, meanwhile checking constantly with my answering service to see if my agent had called with any acting work. In the morning, the mailbox had just been stuffed with bills! What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to pay them? After all, I was already doing my best! I've lived in this city all my life. I grew up on the Upper East Side, and when I was 10 years old, I was rich! I was an aristocrat. Riding around in taxis, surrounded by comfort, and all I thought about was art and music. Now I'm 36, and all I think about is money!"

"[Upon entering the restaurant] I was beginning to realize that the only way to make this evening bearable, would be to ask Andre a few questions. Asking questions always relaxes me. In fact, I sometimes think that my secret profession is that I'm a private investigator, a detective. I always enjoy finding out about people. Even if they are in absolute agony, I always find it very interesting."

"Yeah, but are you saying it's impossible---? I mean, isn't it a little upsetting to come to the conclusion that there's no way to wake people up anymore, except to involve them in some kind of a strange christening in Poland or some kind of a strange experience on top of Mount Everest? I mean, because, the awful thing is, if you're really saying it's necessary to take everybody to Everest, it's certainly really tough, because everybody can't be taken to Everest. I mean, there must have been periods in history when it would have been possible to save the patient through less drastic measures; there must have been periods when---in order to give people a strong, more meaningful experience---you wouldn't have to take them to Everest!"

"I'm adequate to do any sort of a task, but I'm not adequate just to be a human being."

"I just don't think I feel the need for anything more than all this, whereas, you know, you seem to be saying that it's inconceivable that anybody could be having a meaningful life today, and, you know, everyone is totally destroyed, and we all need to live in these outposts; but you know, I can't believe---even for you. Don't you find it pleasant just to get up in the morning?"

"You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you?"

"Fuckabees!"

"Wake up, pretty girl, the joke is on you!"

"I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better."

"The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere."

"Your mind is always occupied on something...so it may as well be something helpful, like Mrs. Shermer, or the blanket."

"No time for infinity? Gotta piece together a theory?"

"Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris!"

"There is no remainder in the mathematics of Infinity."

"There's no such thing as nothing. nnn"

"There is no such thing as you or me,"

"When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are."

"Did you see that? Shania knew who I was."

"[after Caterine snaps a photo of his sobbing] NOBODY SEES THAT PICTURE!!!"

"Why is marriage and kids so important? I mean, there's an overpopulation problem!"

"Shania cares!"

"Shania hates mayo, alright, and she can't eat chicken salad, that's no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo - the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches - she still doesn't believe me - I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo - which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches... before she realizes, its chicken salad. And she liked them!"

"Do I benefit from getting some great P.R. For Huckabees when we need it? Absolutely. But do I care about saving the open spaces? Yes, I do!"

"How am I not myself? [repeated]"

"Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want. But what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed under the CD department?"

"What?! Is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?!"

"[to Vivian Jaffe] I can't believe you guys actually exist."

"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shoot Mother what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm trapped! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore! Mother! Fuck shoot!"

"Everything is the same, even if it's different."

"We're not in Infinity, we're in the suburbs"

"[about the body bag exercise] I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!"

"Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need."

"'Betrayed' by Albert Markovski. Is it possible for anybody in this world to work together to make it better? I don't think so."

"If this world is temporary, identity is an illusion, then everything is meaningless and it doesn't matter if you use petroleum, and that's got me very confused."