"Janni Gogolack: My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat FUCK, piece of SHIT... Tudeski."

"Sophie Oseransky: You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise."

"[to Jill] You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun. You know you're just all kinds of fine, don't you?"

"Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way, [grabs his crotch] Huevos grandes, amigo!"

"[every time Oz doesn't answer, Frankie hits him in the stomach or kidneys, then hugs him to stop him collapsing] My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night."

"[on Sophie] You know, you'd be doing the world a favor if you just had her whacked."

"I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet."

"You know what I'm going to do...I'm...I'm gonna...I'm gonna go! [Oz attempts to open the side door but fails] ...does this slide?"

"[The phone rings, Oz is startled] Phone!..[The phone rings again]..There it is again!"

"[Watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him] This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic."

"OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder."

"Oh, and don't forget the body!"

"Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch."

"Room service? Yes this is room 519. I'm gonna need a bigger bottle of Scotch!"

"You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni! [shoots Janni in the head]"

"I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise."

"Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives."

"The great and powerful Oz."

"Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody."

"I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door."

"Everybody dies. Sooner or later."

"It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive."

"Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!"

"I'm not very bright, I guess...just dumb. If I had any brains, I wouldn't be on this crummy train with this crummy girls' band...I used to sing with male bands but I can't afford it anymore...That's what I'm running away from. I worked with six different ones in the last two years. Oh, brother!...I can't trust myself. I have this thing about saxophone players, especially tenor sax...I don't know what it is, they just curdle me. All they have to do is play eight bars of 'Come to Me, My Melancholy Baby' and my spine turns to custard. I get goose pimply all over and I come to 'em...every time... That's why I joined this band. Safety first. Anything to get away from those bums...You don't know what they're like. You fall for 'em and you really love 'em - you think this is gonna be the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin - and the next thing you know, they're borrowing money from you and spending it on other dames and betting on horses...Then one morning you wake up, the guy is gone, the saxophone's gone, all that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out. So you pull yourself together. You go on to the next job, the next saxophone player. It's the same thing all over again. You see what I mean? Not very bright...I can tell you one thing - it's not gonna happen to me again - ever. I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop."

"Beverly Wills — Dolores"

"Edward G. Robinson Jr. — Johnny Paradise"

"Harry Wilson — Spats's henchman"

"Mike Mazurki — Spats's henchman"

"George E. Stone — "Toothpick" Charlie"

"Barbara Drew — Nellie Weinmeyer"

"Billy Gray — Sig Poliakoff"

"Dave Barry — Mister Beinstock"

"Joan Shawlee — Sweet Sue"

"Nehemiah Persoff — "Little Bonaparte""

"Joe E. Brown — Osgood Fielding III"

"Pat O'Brien — Detective Mulligan"

"George Raft — "Spats" Colombo"

"Jack Lemmon — Jerry (Gerald)/"Daphne""

"Tony Curtis — Joe/"Josephine"/"Shell Oil Junior""

"Marilyn Monroe — Sugar "Kane" Kowalczyk"

"Marilyn Monroe and her bosom companions"

"The movie too HOT for words!"

"Movie stars never pick up the check. They have no idea what things cost. Most of them don't know their zip code and a lot don't even know their own phone number."

"Yeah, well Martin is known for his flipping. He flips over a script, and when the time comes to make a deal, he flips out."

"I know I'm better than what I've been doing the last ten years, walking around in fuck-me pumps and a tank top, waiting till it's time to scream."

"I spent all day crawling out of a grave. The costumer kept bitching 'cause I was ripping my nylons."