"P.A. Announcement: Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini. [Exhales forcefully] Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop—a popli—a p-- a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery expli - exp - - exploration and possible graft."

"Capt. Murrhardt: Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem."

"Capt. Bandini: Something in a marshmallow?"

"Pvt. Seidman: [Singing for Painless the Theme Song] Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it / if I please"

"SSG Gorman: [Repeated line] Goddam Army..."

"M*A*S*H Hysteria"

"M*A*S*H Gives A D*A*M*N."

"You're not a real M*A*S*H fan until you've seen the original. (1982 re-release)"

"Donald Sutherland as Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Jr."

"Elliott Gould as Captain "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre"

"Tom Skerritt as Captain Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest"

"John Schuck as Captain Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski"

"Fred Williamson as Captain Oliver Harmon "Spearchucker" Jones"

"Robert Duvall as Major Franklin Delano Marion "Ferret Face" Burns"

"Roger Bowen as Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake"

"Carl Gottlieb as Captain "Ugly" John Black"

"Gary Burghoff as Corporal Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly"

"René Auberjonois as Father Francis John Patrick "Dago Red" Mulcahy"

"Danny Goldman as Captain Dennis Murrhardt"

"Corey Fischer as Captain Patrick "Band-Aid" Bandini"

"Jo Ann Pflug as Lieutenant Maria "Dish" Schneider"

"Indus Arthur as Lieutenant Leslie"

"Dawne Damon as Lieutenant Wilma "Scorch" Storch"

"Tamara Horrocks as Captain Bridget "Knocko" McCarthy"

"David Arkin as Staff Sergeant Wade Douglas Vollmer/PA Announcer."

"Ken Prymus as Private First Class Seidman"

"Michael Murphy as Captain Ezekiel Bradbury "Me Lay" Marston V"

"Timothy Brown as Corporal Judson"

"Bud Cort as Private Warren Boone"

"G. Wood as Brigadier General Charles Hartington Hammond"

"Kim Atwood as Ho-Jon"

"Dale Ishimoto as Korean doctor"

"Bobby Troup as Staff Sergeant Gorman"

"Marvin Miller as PA Announcer"

"Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?"

"[to Major Margaret Houlihan] Oh, come off it, Major! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch . . . and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, and you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown."

"Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before."

"[Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy."

"Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic."

"Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy."

"Ewan McGregor - Edward Bloom (Young)"

"Albert Finney - Edward Bloom (Senior)"

"Billy Crudup - Will Bloom"

"Jessica Lange - Sandra Bloom (Senior)"

"Helena Bonham Carter - Jenny (Young & Senior) & The Witch"

"Alison Lohman - Sandra Bloom (Young)"

"Robert Guillaume - Dr. Bennett (Senior)"