M*A*S*H (film)

"Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?"

"[to Major Margaret Houlihan] Oh, come off it, Major! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch . . . and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, and you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown."

"Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before."

"[Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy."

"Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic."

"Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy."

"It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick."

"No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now."

"[As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf."

"Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh, about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen."

"Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid’s chest and get out to the golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will be all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way."

"Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault."

"[Watching Frank Burns leave] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?"

"Take care of the squirrels."

"If a man isn't a man anymore . . . what's he got left that he should be living for?"

"I'm a fairy. A victim of latent homosexuality. I've turned into a fairy."

"[During football game] All right bud, your fucking head is coming right off!"

"[to Hawkeye] I like to think of the army as my home."

"[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Oh, kiss my hot lips!"

"[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, strangle me!"

"[to Henry] This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!"

"[to Brigadier General Charlie Hammond] Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform."

"Alright men, we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice!"

"How do ya like them apples, Charlie?"

"Ho-Jon: Hawkeye? Duke say you better haul ass home quick. We got new chest cutter in our tent."

"P.A. Announcement: Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini. [Exhales forcefully] Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop—a popli—a p-- a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery expli - exp - - exploration and possible graft."

"Capt. Murrhardt: Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem."

"Capt. Bandini: Something in a marshmallow?"

"Pvt. Seidman: [Singing for Painless the Theme Song] Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it / if I please"

"SSG Gorman: [Repeated line] Goddam Army..."

"M*A*S*H Hysteria"

"M*A*S*H Gives A D*A*M*N."

"You're not a real M*A*S*H fan until you've seen the original. (1982 re-release)"

"Donald Sutherland as Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Jr."

"Elliott Gould as Captain "Trapper" John Francis Xavier McIntyre"

"Tom Skerritt as Captain Augustus Bedford "Duke" Forrest"

"John Schuck as Captain Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski"

"Fred Williamson as Captain Oliver Harmon "Spearchucker" Jones"

"Sally Kellerman as Major Margaret J. "Hot Lips" Houlihan"

"Robert Duvall as Major Franklin Delano Marion "Ferret Face" Burns"

"Roger Bowen as Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake"

"Carl Gottlieb as Captain "Ugly" John Black"

"Gary Burghoff as Corporal Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly"

"René Auberjonois as Father Francis John Patrick "Dago Red" Mulcahy"

"Danny Goldman as Captain Dennis Murrhardt"

"Corey Fischer as Captain Patrick "Band-Aid" Bandini"

"Jo Ann Pflug as Lieutenant Maria "Dish" Schneider"

"Indus Arthur as Lieutenant Leslie"

"Dawne Damon as Lieutenant Wilma "Scorch" Storch"

"Tamara Horrocks as Captain Bridget "Knocko" McCarthy"