German Films

"[To Grace Donatelli] For the next time somebody gets in your light. [hands her a flashlight]"

"It was time for me to take over, anyway. Thanks to the Punisher, I won't even get my fucking hands dirty."

"Pittsy, pour me a drink!"

"This is just the beginning."

"Let me put you out of my misery."

"You're lucky I came to you with this. That I'm a patriot, just like you. I shit red, white and blue."

"And how about you, sweet cheeks? Are you going to swear on an imaginary friend?"

"Hello, Mrs. Donatelli. Or will you be calling yourself "Miss" from now on?"

"All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin."

"Kiele Sanchez — Mrs. Goodman"

"Ted Ludzik — Bellini"

"Zach Mills — Eric Applebaum"

"Jason Bateman — Henry "Mutant" Weston"

"Natalie Portman — Molly Mahoney"

"Dustin Hoffman — Edward Magorium"

"If you don't believe . . . You will."

"You have to believe it to see it."

"Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart."

"Unlikely adventures require unlikely tools."

"Pretty impressive ball, isn't it?"

"Some are important documents, others maybe doodles I never framed. I can't tell the difference."

"I fell so completely in love with these shoes, I bought enough pairs to last my whole lifetime. This is my last pair."

"[Epitaph on the gravestone] Mr. Magorium, toy impresario, wonder aficionado and avid shoe wearer."

"In my book, "If you're happy and you know it, Think again", I speak of the teachings of Intimacy, or Into-Me-I-See™. Intimacy is like putting your Wiener on a table and having someone say. 'Hey, That looks like a Penis, Only smaller!' [Laughs] Only Smaller..."

"Oprah Winfrey"

"Deepak Chopra"

"Morgan Freeman (voice)"

"Val Kilmer (uncredited)"

"Kanye West"

"Jessica Simpson"

"Mariska Hargitay"

"Daniel Tosh - Cowboy Hat"

"Rob Huebel - Bar Patron / Cameo"

"Jim Gaffigan - Trent Lueders"

"Stephen Colbert - Jay Kell"

"John Oliver - Dick Pants"

"Manu Narayan - Rajneesh, Pitka's assistant"

"Telma Hopkins - Lillian Roanoke"

"Ben Kingsley - Guru Tugginmypudha"

"Omid Djalili - Guru Satchabigknoba / Gagandeep Singh"

"Verne Troyer - Coach Punch Cherkov"

"Megan Good - Prudence Roanoke"

"Roomany Malco - Darren Roanoke"

"Justin Timberlake - Jacques "Le Coq" Grandé"

"Jessica Alba - Jane Bullard"

"Mike Myers - Guru Maurice Pitka / Young Pitka / Teenage Pitka / Himself"

"Students, now I am going to teach you the "D" of drama. Distraction. Maurice, if Plato, Shakespeare and Einstein were talking about the meaning of life, and two elephants started humping outside, even they would rush to the window. It is the ultimate distraction."

"Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz."

"[answering cell phone] Dell Computers, this is Chip."

"Dis is my day of lucky!"