"Listen up, cocksuckers! Hurry the fuck up. Get your music. "Irene" only. Set one. Rhythm section out first. Tanner, the kit is a fucking tonal catastrophe, get it in tune, all right? Rhythm and soloists, bar 45, we're gonna pick up the tempo there, all right? Bar 106, brass, do not forget we sharp that ninth. Everybody remember, Lincoln Center and its ilk use these competitions to decide who they are interested in and who they are not. And I am not gonna have my reputation in that department tarnished by a bunch of fucking limp-dick, sour-note, flatter-than-their-girlfriends, flexible-tempo dipshits. Got it? One more thing. Eugene, give me that. [Eugene hands Fletcher his music folder] If I ever see another one of these lying around, I swear to fucking God, I will stop being so polite. [to a stagehand who just walked in] Get the fuck out of my sight before I demolish you. [to band] Stage right, in order, now. [to stagehand] I can still fucking see you, Mini-Me!"

"Either you're deliberately out of tune and sabotaging my band, or you don't know you're out of tune, which, I'm afraid, is even worse."

"[playing an audio clip of a trumpet solo for the band] Six years ago, I came across a kid in a practice room working on his scales. He was early second year and he'd started at Shaffer with a lot of hope. Like all you guys. But the truth was, he barely squeaked in to begin with, and, uh... he was really struggling. The faculty were all telling him, "Maybe this isn't for you." But they didn't see what I saw. This scared, skinny kid, cursing himself because he couldn't get his scales right. I saw a drive in him. And I put him in Studio Band. And when he graduated, Marsalis made him third trumpet at Lincoln Center. A year later, he was first. And that's who you're listening to now. His name was Sean Casey. I found out this morning that... Sean... died yesterday... in a car accident. And, uh, I just... I wanted you guys to know he was a beautiful player. I just thought you should know."

"And here comes Mister Gay Pride of the Upper West Side himself. Unfortunately, this is not a Bette Midler concert, we will not be serving Cosmopolitans and Baked Alaska, so just play faster than you give fucking hand jobs, will you please? One, two, one, two. [Carl starts drumming, Fletcher stops him] Not even fucking close. [to Ryan] Let's go, with the Irish Mick-fucking-Paddy cracker now. You know, you actually do look quite a bit like a leprechaun. I think I'm gonna start calling you Flannery."

"Sorry guys, hate to put you through this. If you need to fuckin' take a dump, or get a coffee, whatever - now might be a good time, because we're gonna stay here until I find a drummer who can fucking play in time. I apologize to the musicians. Seriously, take ten, twenty, a fucking hour. [to drummers] You hear me, cocksuckers? You better start shitting me perfect four-hundreds. Connolly, get your fucking ass back on the kit!"

"[after Andrew stops drumming] Is that really the fastest you can play, you worthless Hymie fuck? No wonder mommy ran out on you. Get off the fucking kit."

"We've got a squeaker today, people. Neiman. 19 years old. Isn't he cute?"

"Barker, that is not your boyfriend's dick. Do not come early."

"You think I'm fucking stupid? I know it was you."

"It's all good, no worries, here we go."

"Miles Teller - Andrew Neiman"

"J. K. Simmons - Terence Fletcher"

"Paul Reiser - Jim Neiman"

"Mac Robbins - Billy Lane"

"Damon Wayans - Percy"

"Paul Mazursky - Arnold"

"Taylor Negron - Albert Emperato"

"Sally Field - Lilah Krytsick"

"Tom Hanks - Steven Gold"

"John Goodman - John Krytsick"

"It only hurts when you LAUGH!"

"Stand-Up Comic: [doing an impression of Ghandi's mother] Please, sweetheart... just a sandwich?"

"Albert Emperato: You don't want carpet! You want an area rug!"

"Mark Rydell - Romeo"

"Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

"If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - 'cuz funny Steve's going under."

"Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"!"

"Oh okay, so I'm not funny, SHOOT ME!"

"I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know."

"Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name."

"We are all God's animated cartoons."

"Kim Greist - Madeline Urie"

"David Wayne - Freddie Denmark"

"Rory Calhoun - Eben"

"Cameron Mitchell - Tom Brookman"

"Anne Buydens - Laura Page"

"Betty Grable - Loco Dempsey"

"Marilyn Monroe - Pola Debevoise"

"Alex D'Arcy - J. Stewart Merrill"

"Lauren Bacall - Schatze Page"

"[to Tom Brookman] Just as soon as I finish this, I never want to see you again."

"The first rule is, gentlemen callers have got to wear a necktie!"

"Once you get one foot on the ground, you're really quite a jerk, aren't you?"

"Most women use more brains picking a horse in the third at Belmont than they do picking a husband."

"Fred Clark - Waldo Brewster"

"[Referring to older men marrying young women] Look at Roosevelt, look at Churchill, look at that old fella, what's his name in The African Queen."

"We'd better put a check on that one. Nobody's mother lives in Atlantic City on Saturday."

"All my life ever since I was a little girl I've always had the same dream. To marry a zillionaire."

"William Powell - J.D. Hanley"