"Annette: I shoved your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out of the house, you go find the guy who cut them off, he'll give 'em to you so you can practice for the pageant."

"Tammy: Maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant, but other people didn't think I could beat out Becky Leeman for President of the gun club either, and I did. It's just like Anthony Robins says, "I'm a winner, nobody can stop me, but me"."

"I chose Mount Rushmore, 'cause to live in a country where you can take an ugly old mountain and put faces on it, faces of great Americans who did so much to make our country super great, well that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American."

"My Mom gave me this 9mil for my birthday, I'll always remember what she wrote in the card. "Jesus loves winners". That's why, no matter what I do, I aim to win."

"Oh no, my mom never kept a secret of the fact my dad chose his career over us. What was it she used to say? Once a carnie, always a carnie. Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top."

"Hello Father Donnagan, sidewalks? sidewalks? Iris, stop it, it's not his fault. The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them."

"Daryl Hannah - Melanie Gustafson"

"Burgess Meredith - John Gustafson, Sr."

"Buck Henry - Snyder"

"Ossie Davis - Chuck"

"Kevin Pollak - Jacob Goldman"

"Ann-Margret - Ariel Truax"

"Walter Matthau - Max Goldman"

"Jack Lemmon - John Gustafson"

"Kids. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em."

"[distraught over losing his Green Hornet fishing rod in the fishing hole] Where's the Green Hornet?"

"Piper Perabo — Karen Sympathy"

"Susan Berman — Bucky Weasel"

"Keith Scott — Bullwinkle, Narrator, Fearless Leader & Boris (cartoon voices)"

"June Foray — Rocky, Natasha (cartoon voice), Narrator's Mom"

"Jason Alexander — Boris"

"Kenan Thompson — Lewis"

"Kel Mitchell — Martin"

"Randy Quaid — Cappy "Frank" von Trapment"

"Robert De Niro — Fearless Leader"

"Rene Russo — Natasha"