"I am totally corrupt. I mean, really! My whole act. My whole economic success, whatever that is, is based solely on the existence of segregation, violence, despair, disease and injustice. And if, by some miracle, the whole world were suddenly tranquil, pure, I'd be standing on an unemployment line somewhere. So you see, I'm not a moralist. If I were, I'd be donating my salary to those schoolteachers. Right?"

"Jack Goldstein: You'll see! You've got a rough road ahead of you, Sonny! Especially with your dirty mouth and your no-talent wife!"

"Lenny's Time Has Finally Come!"

"Lenny Said It. "Hot Honey" Did It. Together They Shocked America."

"Dustin Hoffman - Lenny Bruce"

"Valerie Perrine - Honey Bruce"

"Jan Miner - Sally Marr"

"Stanley Beck - Artie Silver"

"Rashel Novikoff - Aunt Mema"

"Gary Morton - Sherman Hart"

"Guy Rennie - Jack Goldman"

"Aldo Demeo - Bailiff"

"That's where the conflict starts! We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and $500-a-night hooker."

"Are there any niggers here tonight? Can you turn on the house lights, please, and could the waiters and waitresses just stop serving, just for a second? And turn off the spot. Now what did he say? Are there any niggers here tonight? I know there's one nigger here; because, I see him back there working. Let's see. There's two niggers. And between those two niggers sits a kike. And there's another kike. That's two kikes and three niggers. And there's a spic, right? Hm? There's another spic. Ooh, there's a wop. There's a Polack. And then, oh, a couple of greaseballs. There's three lace-curtain Irish Micks. And there's one hip, thick, hunky, funky boogie. Boogie, boogie. Mm-mm. I got three kikes. Do I hear five kikes? I got five kikes. Do I hear six spics? Six spics. Do I hear seven niggers? I got seven niggers. Sold: American! I'll pass with seven niggers, six spics, five Micks, four kikes, three guineas, and one wop. You almost punched me out, didn't ya? I was trying to make a point and that is it's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Dig. If President Kennedy would just go on television and say I'd like to introduce you to all the niggers in my cabinet. And if he'd just say nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger to every nigger he saw, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger till nigger didn't mean anything anymore! Then you'd never be able to make some six year old black kid cry because somebody called him a nigger in school."

"[reading from "Time" magazine] Sick comic Lenny Bruce whose jokes about the President... Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what's sick? Zsa Zsa Gabor will get $60,000 a week in Las Vegas, Nevada. And school teacher salaries in that state, top salary is $6,000 a year. Now, that's really sick! And that's the kind of sick l wish they would have written about."

"I'm not anti-Christ or anti-religion, l just think it's encouraging that people are leaving the Church and going back to God."

"Rev. Mooney: He uses words as weapons, to hit people over the head with. To make them recognise they are being hypocritical in every phase of their lives. Words are his tools, and he uses them like a carpenter uses a hammer."

"You do things on dope that normally wouldn't come into your mind to do."

"Oh, I would say, uh, let's see, he was busted at least nine or ten times. Twice for possession of narcotics, and three, four times for obscenity."

"You need the deviate! Don't shut him up! You need that madman to stand up, tell you when you're blowing it! The harder you come down on the deviate, the more you need him!"

"When I'm talking about tits and ass, I'm not up there to shock the audience by repeating those words: "tits and ass, ass and tits, and tits and ass! The point I'm trying to make is that we all live in a hypocritical society!"

"OK, what is dirty? And what is clean? Now, if I had to make a choice, man, I would rather my kid watches a stag movie - than a clean movie, like "King of Kings". Why? Because "King of Kings" is full of killing, and l don't want my kid to kill Christ when he comes back. And that's what happens in "King of Kings". But tell me about a stag movie where anybody gets punched or killed, man. If you're lucky, you might see someone get tied up... or tapped lightly with a Hickok belt, but for the most part, all you really see during that hour and a half, man, is a lot of hugging and kissing, and moaning and groaning. Oh, God. And then, near the end of the movie, when that one potential instrument of death is revealed: the pillow. That tool the guy might smother the chick with, like in one of those horror flicks. He takes that pillow and gently slides it under the girl's ass. And they go off, and nobody gets hurt or killed. And it's nice! And that's the end of the movie."

"Let's face it, guys are different. And ladies just don't understand this. Because to a lady, cheating means, I know, hugging and kissing and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. But, with guys, that doesn't enter into it, man. Because, guys are detached. They're different. You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud. A chicken. A barrel. Anything. A knothole. So, if you know this about guys, would you really feel hurt if you came home and found your husband sitting on the bed with a chicken?"

"I am of Semitic background. I'm Jewish. Now, a Jew, dictionary-style, is one who is descended from one of the ancient tribes of Judea or one who is regarded to have descended from that tribe. But, you and I know what a Jew really is: one who killed our Lord! Now, I don't know if it got much press coverage here on the West Coast, because that all happened a couple a thousand years ago. And although there should be a statute of limitations for the crime, we're still paying the dues. Why do you keep busting our balls for this crime? Why? Because you skirt the issue. You blame it on Roman soldiers. All right, I'm gonna clear the air once and for all, and confess. We did it. My family, I did it. We found a note in the basement, it said: We killed him, signed Morty. There's a good thing we nailed him when we did, because if we had done it within the last 50 years, we'd have to contend with generations of parochial schoolkids running around with little electric chairs hanging around their necks."