Punchline (film)

"We are all God's animated cartoons."

"I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know."

"If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - 'cuz funny Steve's going under."

"Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"!"

"Oh okay, so I'm not funny, SHOOT ME!"

"Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name."

"Stand-Up Comic: [doing an impression of Ghandi's mother] Please, sweetheart... just a sandwich?"

"Albert Emperato: You don't want carpet! You want an area rug!"

"Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

"It only hurts when you LAUGH!"

"Sally Field - Lilah Krytsick"

"Tom Hanks - Steven Gold"

"John Goodman - John Krytsick"

"Mark Rydell - Romeo"

"Kim Greist - Madeline Urie"

"Paul Mazursky - Arnold"

"Taylor Negron - Albert Emperato"

"Damon Wayans - Percy"

"Mac Robbins - Billy Lane"