"[after startling two control room directors by seemingly talking to them, then easing their concerns by seeming to revert back to his eccentricity, whilst they look at their notes temporarily] That one's for free."

"[to Meryl who is threatening him with a kitchen utensil] What are you gonna do? Slice me, dice me or peel me? There are so many choices."

"[Sailing away in the artificially roughened winds and seas] Is that the best you can do? You're gonna have to kill me! [sings] What do ya do with a drunken sailor? What do ya do with a drunken sailor? What do ya do with a drunken sailor ear-lye in the mor-nin'!"

"Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!"

"Good morning, and in case I don't see ya: Good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"

"The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm!"

"Juliet Landau - Loretta King"

"Vincent D'Onofrio and Maurice LaMarche - Orson Welles"

"Mike Starr - George Weiss"

"George Steele - Tor Johnson"

"Brent Hinkley - Conrad Brooks"

"Max Casella - Paul Marco"

"Patricia Arquette - Kathy O'Hara"

"Lisa Marie - Maila Nurmi (stage name Vampira)"

"Bill Murray - Bunny Breckinridge"

"Jeffrey Jones - Criswell"

"Sarah Jessica Parker - Dolores Fuller"

"Martin Landau - Bela Lugosi"

"Johnny Depp - Ed Wood"

"Ever Wanted To Be Someone Else?"

"Maxine. Maxine. I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away [Looking through Emily's eyes at the end]"

"Charlie Sheen — Charlie"

"Mary Kay Place — Floris (Lester's secretary/receptionist)"

"Orson Bean — Dr. Lester"

"John Malkovich — John Horatio Malkovich"

"Catherine Keener — Maxine"

"Cameron Diaz — Lotte Schwartz"

"John Cusack — Craig Schwartz"

"Be All That Someone Else Can Be."

"Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?"

"Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can."

"Dr. Lester: Forever doomed to watch the world through someone else's eyes."

"You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend."

"Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!"

"Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover."

"Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?"

"Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy."

"It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!"

"Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate."

"That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!"

"I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see."

"I'd fuck me. [Watching television documentary on his puppeteering when he's in John Malkovich's body.]"

"Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man."

"Help! He's locking me in a cage!"