"For years, I've been listening to all these idiots on barstools with all their pet theories on Dallas. How it was the Cubans, or the C.I.A., or the white supremacists, or the Mob. Whether there was one weapon, or whether there was five. None of that's meant too much to me. But Leary, he questioned whether I had the guts to take that fatal bullet. God, that was a beautiful day. The sun was out, been raining all morning, the air was... First shot, sounded like a firecracker. I looked over, I saw him, I could tell he was hit. I don't know why I didn't react. I should have reacted. I should have been running flat out. I just couldn't believe it. If only I'd reacted, I could have taken that shot. And that would have been alright with me."

"Clint Eastwood - Frank Horrigan"

"John Malkovich - Mitch Leary"

"Tracy Morgan as himself"

"Derek Jeter as himself"

"Brooke Shields as herself"

"Rosie Perez as herself"

"Anne Heche as Pamela Boardman (uncredited)"

"Ice-T as Narrator (uncredited)"

"Zach Woods as Douglas"

"Horatio Sanz as gallery owner"

"Ben Schwartz as Beaman's Assistant"

"Thomas Middleditch as gallery attendee"

"Adam McKay as Dirty Mike"

"Viola Harris as Mama Ramos"

"Rob Huebel as Officer Watts"

"Damon Wayans, Jr. as Detective Fosse"

"Brett Gelman as Hal"

"Lindsay Sloane as Francine"

"Natalie Zea as Christinith"

"Bobby Cannavale as Jimmy"

"Rob Riggle as Detective Evan Martin"

"Steve Coogan as Sir David Ershon"

"Ray Stevenson as Roger Wesley"

"Michael Keaton as Captain Gene Mauch"

"Samuel L. Jackson as Detective P.K. Highsmith"

"Dwayne Johnson as Detective Christopher Danson"

"Andy Buckley as Don Beaman"

"Someone's been playing Grand Theft Auto."

"NY's finest were busy."

"Listen, if you don't shut up, I'll cut your ear off with a butter knife."

"When the top cops are busy, our only hope is the other guys."

"Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here, and I got another job at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Okay? I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay. Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit. I'm just gonna ask you guys. Please, come on. Really. Just think about it. Just be smart."

"[to the Bed Bath & Beyond staff] First thing's first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs."

"Who were you expecting?"

"There are three things I love in this world: Kylie Minogue, small dimples just above a woman's buttocks... and the fear in a man's eye who knows I'm about to hurt him."

"Gentlemen, I can get you obstructed-view tickets for Rock of Ages. Even I admit that's not very temping, but I'm not made of tickets, goddamn it!"

"Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive, and sex with style. They're rock stars. Then you got your jokers, your ball-busters, your vets... and the other guys."

"[with a gun pointed at him] Wait! Computers. What if one day...they were in charge?"

"Cops still argue to this day why Danson and Highsmith jumped. Maybe it was just pride, having survived so many brushes with death. Maybe their egoes pushed them off. I don't know. But that shit was crazy. Either way, there was a hole in New York City, and it needed to be filled."

"[while flying in a car through the air towards several drug runners who are firing machine guns at him as he returns fire with a pistol in each hand] You have the right...to remain...SILENT...but I wanna hear you SCREAM!"

"It was the king of the mutt cases, but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars. Within 24 hours of learning about Ershon's scheme and Lendl's massive losses, the government issued TARP funds to bail out Lendl. They were too big to fail. Ershon now resides in Palomino Federal Correctional Facility in Florida. He still invests. Currency's just different. Roger Wesley was linked to the Beaman murder by security cam footage which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked. It only showed the back of their heads. But Alan's Faceback app was able to get a match to their faces. Terry married Francine. He played harp at the reception and it was beautiful. He had learned how to play it in the eighth grade to make fun of the fairy that lived up the street. Terry asked Sheila to be his best man, but she declined. Let's be honest, we all wanna be superstars and hotshots. But guess what? The people that do the real work, the ones that make the difference, you don't see them on TV or on the front page. I'm talking about the day-in, day-outers, the grinders. Come on, man, you know who I'm talking about: the other guys."

"Will Ferrell as Detective Allen "Gator" Gamble"

"This was a very clever idea."

"And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!"

"[while showing badge] Police, shithead!"

"I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!"

"Did someone call nine one HOLY SHIT?!"

"You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!"