"What did I say about being civil to one another?! That's all I asked of you! [as time passes] Well, you have blown it big time! Never been more embarrassed. Everyone we know was there. [emotionally] I have no idea how I'm gonna write my column this week. I feel like a complete fraud!"

"[running with Greg's diary] "I can't believe my luck! I finally have Holly all to myself without Chirag, or anyone else!""

"Ben Stein as Dr. Arthur Neuman"

"[to Greg] This "Mom Bucks" thing is a gold mine muchacho. Better not ruin it for me."

"[to Greg as he threatens to call mom] REMINDER! You can't call if you're dead."

"Rodrick, I've lived in this house for 10 years. I've locked that door 10,000 times because sometimes it's my only moment of privacy of the day. I know there was a lock on that door."

"Peyton List - Holly Hills"

"[bitterly to Greg] You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend."

"Anna Maxwell Martin - CC Janet Whitehead"

"Darren Boyd - Martin Fitch"

"Colm Meaney - Pat Farrell"

"Sean Pertwee - SFO Steve Stubbs"

"Nigel Lindsay - Jason Cresswell"

"I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services."

"Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one."

"Felicity Montagu - Lynn Benfield"

"Simon Greenall - Michael the Geordie"

"Monica Dolan - Angela Ashbourne"

"Never, never criticize Muslims! Only Christians. And Jews, a little bit."

"It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of smell. In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?"

"[about fistbumps] Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?"

"Tim Key - "Sidekick" Simon Denton"

"Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er... actually realizing I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed. No, I am joking, obviously, but er... they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed."

"Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes. Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er... luminous green bile."

"Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull. Have you come to take my spirit away? Go, gull! Gull... gull... gull."

"I'm really sorry. I done a shit in the box."

"I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn. I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media on a long-term basis for cash. It's a very different thing."

"Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt. What are you going to do about it this time?"

"[pulled back into the building by a rope] I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off."

"That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews."

"I am siege face."

"It was jingle genocide."

"Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell."

"Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing."

"I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I remember... a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," and... you know... I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. Miserable."

"[about a one-night stand] Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one, but not both."

"Steve Coogan - Alan Gordon Partridge"

"Phil Cornwell - Dave Clifton"

"Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank."

"[frantically, to police] Have you got any scissors? Have you got any scissors?"

"Tig Notaro as Impound Woman"

"Niecy Nash as Bus Driver"

"Da'Vone McDonald as Hulk"

"Alphonso McAuley as Pookie"

"Bryan Callen as Figueroa Drug Dealer"

"The morning after the night before."

"Bill Burr as Officer Walter"

"Vic Chao as Shift Captain"

"Willie Garson as Dan Karlin"