"I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I remember... a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," and... you know... I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. Miserable."

"Peyton List - Holly Hills"

"Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank."

"Devon Bostick - Rodrick Heffley"

"Steve Zahn - Frank Heffley"

"Robert Capron - Rowley Jefferson"

"[pulled back into the building by a rope] I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off."

"Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing."

"Rachael Harris - Susan Heffley"

"Connor and Owen Fielding - Manny Heffley"

"It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of smell. In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?"

"Never, never criticize Muslims! Only Christians. And Jews, a little bit."

"Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one."

"[about fistbumps] Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?"

"[about a one-night stand] Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one, but not both."

"I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services."

"That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews."

"Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell."

"I am siege face."

"Ben Stein as Dr. Arthur Neuman"

"Sequel to the #1 box-office hit."

"Jamie Kennedy as Tim Avery/The Mask"