"As we look back on the life of... (Lottery man enters funeral parlor)... Michael O'Sullivan was my great friend, but I don't ever remember telling him that. The words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead. What a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. To sit at the front and hear what was said. Maybe to say a few things yourself. Michael and I grew old together. But at times, when we laughed, we grew younger. If he was here now, if he could hear what I say, I'd congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend."

"finding Ned Divine's body, dead, holding the winning lottery ticket. Dear God. You'll be cursing in heaven tonight, Ned Devine."

"(talking about the death of Ned Devine, a retired fisherman who died from the shock of winning the lottery) He survived all those storms to be washed away by a few plastic lottery balls."

"Akshay Oberoi - Neel"

"Bharti Desai - Sureel's Mom"

"Paresh Rawal - Sureel's Dad"

"Ajay Naidu - Hari"

"Josh Ackrman - Toby"

"Aasif Mandvi - Engineering Sam"

"Sheetal Sheth - Maya"

"Aalok Mehta - Sureel"

"Don't worry, chicken curry..."

"[Wearing a beard, looking into a mirror] My name's Betty."

"He's sex obsessed. The older generation is leading this country to galloping ruin."

"Richard Vernon - Gentleman on Train"

"Anna Quayle - Millie"

"Victor Spinetti - TV Director"

"John Junkin - Shake"

"Norman Rossington - Himself"

"Wilfred Brambell - Grandfather"

"Ringo Starr - Himself"

"George Harrison - Himself"

"Paul McCartney - Himself"

"John Lennon - Himself"

"TV Director: Get me a bottle of milk and some tranquilizers. I see it all now, it's a plot... a plot..."

"Shake: [Trying to follow the Beatles into a casino, past a security guard] I'm with them. I'm, uh, Ringo's sister."

"Norm: Shake, that that wig off, it suits you."

"Come in, number seven, your time's up!"

"There you go, hiding behind a smokescreen of bourgeois clichés."

"I'm going parading before it's too late."

"I don't think it's very likely we'll get on. The law of averages is against it."

"Hey, you won't interfere with the basic rugged concept of me personality, will you madam?"

"[Regarding Ringo] He's very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend."

""Oh, that this too too sullied flesh would melt..." [Quickly turns to the camera] ZAP!"

"[In a female voice] I now declare this bridge open."

"No, actually, we're just good friends."

"I like to keep Britain tidy."

"If you lost him I'll cripple ya!"

"Mister, can we have our ball back?"

"You're a swine."

"[Sees Ringo reading a magazine while wearing a Queen's guard bearskin hat] Hey, he's reading the Queen. That's an in-joke, you know."

"Control yourself, you'll spurt."

"We know how to behave, we've had lessons."

"Mark Gibbon - Rory"

"Steven Cree Molison - Biker"

"Kit Koon - Ms. Hamada"

"Melanie Blackwell - Receptionist"

"Chang Tseng - Mr. Ho"

"Don Thompson - Mr. Connor"