"And, as for women, you make fun of me that I love them. How can I not love them? They are such poor, weak creatures. They think so little. A man's hand on their breast, and they give you all they got."

"Why'? Will no man ever do something without a 'why'? Just like that, for the hell of it."

"What kind of man are you, don't you even like dolphins?"

"Do you know how old I am? Ah, never mind, that's a secret. But I... have got to go fast. You know, they... they say that age kills the fire inside of a man. That he hears death coming. He opens the door, says, "Come in. Give me rest." That is a pack of God damned lies. I've got enough fight in me to... to devour the world! So... I fight!"

"You think too much. That is your trouble. Clever people and grocers, they weigh everything."

"Look, boss: a big, beautiful, wild widow."

"Zorba, you are in paradise."

"They hate her because they cannot have her. Only one man here can. You."

"On a deaf man's door, you can knock forever!"

"Remember this: if a woman sleeps alone, it puts a shame on all men. God has a very big heart, but there is one sin He will not forgive [slaps table]: if a woman calls a man to her bed and he will not go. I know, because a very wise old Turk told me."

"Am I not a man? And is a man not stupid? I'm a man, so I married. Wife, children, house, everything, the full catastrophe."

"[when dancing] Whoopa! Whoopa! Whoopa!"

"Fuck off, teenagers!"

"Ryan Heffington - Steve, Barbra Streisand's assistant"

"Harriet Sansom Harris - Mary Grady"

"Mary Elizabeth Ellis - Momma Anita"

"Skyler Gisondo - Lance Brannigan"

"John Michael Higgins - Jerry Frick"

"Christine Ebersole - Lucy Doolittle"

"Bradley Cooper - Jon Peters"

"Tom Waits - Rex Blau"

"Benny Safdie - Joel Wachs"

"Rex Blau: You shiny, gold, tall, inexpensive prick!"

"Joel Wachs: All that we need are people in positions of power to remember to be who they were when they were voted in."

"You have a warm smile, which is very powerful. And... you have a very Jewish nose."

"There's no gas-o in the goddamn car-o, Steve-o!"

"You're a goddamn fucking fighter, aren't you? I like that. I can see that. You come here trying to be all pretty for me, but really, you remind me... of a dog. Of an English pit bull dog... with sex appeal. And... a very Jewish nose."

"Alana Haim - Alana Kane"

"Cooper Hoffman - Gary Valentine"

"[Alana shows her boobs] Can I touch them? [She slaps his face]"

"This is my nozzle, motherfucker!"

"I don't understand, but... I'm sexy, right?"

"I met the girl I'm gonna marry one day, Greg."

"Sean Penn - Jack Holden"

"Julianna Gamiz – Lita Wagner"

"Margo Martindale – Grandma Sandy"

"Mark Wahlberg – Pete Wagner"

"This isn't even a real Barbie. You've got a real Barbie at home that Santa gave you a few weeks ago."

"Rose Byrne – Ellie Wagner"

"Isabela Merced – Lizzy Wagner"

"[after beating the adult janitor Jacob] Hey, you ever touch, text, or think about our daughter ever again, and you're a dead man."

"Octavia Spencer – Karen"

"Gustavo Escobar – Juan Wagner"

"Tig Notaro – Sharon"

"[seeing Lita coated in ketchup and holding a SpongeBob SquarePants knife] That wasn't in the classes. I've got nothing for that."

"Julie Hagerty – Jan"

"[about Denny and Eve's wedding] They were married at a magnificent palace with its very own ocean. The kind of place I had assumed only existed on television. I tried my best to be helpful. I minded my manners, resisted snacking on the trays of exquisite appetizers and made sure to do my business in the flowerbed farthest from the festivities. The place belonged to Eve's parents, Trish and Maxwell, who I confess I first mistook for twins."

"He picked me out of a pile of pups, a tangled mass of paws and tails. He'd stopped at the farm on his way home from the speedway at Yakima. Even back then, I knew I was different than other dogs. My soul just felt more human."