"I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orléans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?"

"Mencia: A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. (The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals.) Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?"

"Mencia: And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot."

"Oh Vishnu, I am about to go against all of your teachings. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know there is a skinny person inside every fat one, but it looks like you have the whole cast of America's Next Top Model inside of there. I hope I am reincarnated as your feet, so that you'll never see me again! ...I apologize, I must apologize! I should not have insulted you, because in my religion, cows are sacred! So take my cheese and your magazine and get the park out of my store!"

"Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that WEIRD-ASS HOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the park out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... I like to tank you for getting that joke!"

"From C to Silent T"

"He's a journalist with gravitas, with dignity, with balls."

"It's French. Bitch."

"America's most described journalist."

"Steering the great ship of News through the channels of Truth."

"It's what Lincoln would have watched."

"Respected... Trustworthy... Smooth."

"There's only one word to describe it: Trustigious."

"If this were Venezuela, they'd nationalize him."

"No. Free. Rides!"

"You gave us Neil Young, we give you me."

"President Bush, have a hotdog with me."

"Multi-grain."

"Factose Intolerant."

"Colmes-free since 2009"

"Purple-Mounted"

"Lincolnish"

"Libertease"

"Applepious"

"Star-Spangled"

"Überballed"

"Heterosapien"

"Stephen Colbert - Stephen Colbert"

"Paul Dinello - Tad"

"Eric Drysdale - Bobby"

"David Cross - Russ Lieber"

"Dave Chappelle"

"Amanda Rowan"

"Drago Ruschinsky"

"Guillermo Díaz"

"Allen Levy"

"Max Herman"

"Donnell Rawlings"

"Nick Wyman"

"Randy Pearlstein"

"Charlie Murphy"

"Paul Mooney"

"Yoshio Mita"

"William Bogert"