Comedians From The United States

"issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding the terror group ISIL. you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to them""

"look, im not saying that martin luther king jr was a gamer. that would be ludicrous. im simply saying that if games had existed at the time,"

"revealing the gender of my baby by eating a whole bunch of food dye and taking a huge pink shit in front of my relatives. ah!! its a girl !!"

"DUMBASS: SHut the fuck up THE WISE MAN: No you shut the fuck up"

"im afraid i must say that i do not find the mysteries featured on "scooby-doo" challenging enough ."

"the worst part of nationalism is having to pretend the flag is really good, like "yeah the country looks exactly like that. they nailed it""

"im not going to post about taking shits or shitting anymore . i Condemn all of my previous posts about shitting and asses"

"shitting on a Towel"

"just found out about Object Permanence... why didnt any one tell me about this shit"

"Im the only man here who injects himself with a CIA Grade Truth Serum before each and every post i make. Remember only that"

"theres a popular nursery rhyme in which the singer claims to be a teapot. this, for many children, is their first experience with "Trolling""

"playing the worlds most normal sized violin"

"the coolest thing the police ever did was invent their own flag thats just a desecrated version of the american flag"

"they are going to start calling the damn gas prices "Gasp prices" because thats what i do when i see then"

"every generation deserves at least 5 movies named "Spider Man 2""

"guys who get off on being humiliated used to expose themselves at the grocery store or something. now they pretend to be journalists on here"

"one thing the gamer world is certainly agreeing of, is that halo infinite is sure to be the highest numbered halo game yet"

"epic ; supreme court rules nabisco is legally allowed to label their products as "Homemade" after forcing the employees to live at the factory"

"drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,"

"how about instead of drop the ball on new years we drop the damn gas prices for onve"

"i often disagree with DigimonOtis, but his efforts to keep Sharia Law out of the donkey kong 64 wiki are much needed in this wolrd of danger"

"the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: "theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron""

"if you drop a chicken cutlet on the floor it absorbs all kinds of dirt & particles that make it undesirable. Thats sort of how AI works"

"If you like Dexter, you'll love Daryl, my new show about a baby rapist - with a HEART OF GOLD?! HUH?! Like Showtime, but freeeeeee!"

"Rick and Morty is definitely the most freeing, most fun thing I’ve ever worked on. It’s had the biggest impact. I love everything I make—and hate it, I guess—but I have a very special relationship with Rick and Morty, and getting a 70-episode pickup means that I can actually really focus on it, and loving it won’t be taking away from anything else. I can let Rick and Morty take away from everything."

"I am not Dwight Schrute, okay? I played a character for 200 episodes, and it was an awesome character, and he was a beet farmer. That doesn’t mean you should hand me beets or make beet jokes every time I go into Starbucks and ask if they have like a beet latte or something like that."

"Everyone is an artist. Everyone is creative in their own way and that that creativity is a great thing. It's a human thing and it needs to be nurtured and it can help us go down life's path and help us to become deeper, richer, more satisfied human beings."

"This is real human drama, we're not creating some amusement park ride for the summer. Even though the movie is really exciting to watch, it's got a real pathos behind it."

"There's something about the water - that solitary kind of peaceful feeling. You're on Earth, but not quite."

"You were there all day long, 12 hours a day. So there was none of this, "I'm going back to my trailer, my trailer's bigger than your trailer," that kind of Hollywood nonsense."

"Sweet berry wine!"

"One of the unique things is that whether we were out at sea or in the middle of the water tank, a lot of times you just couldn't leave. Especially when we were out at sea."

""(infuriated)" I'M GONNA WRECK IT!"

"God forbid you got seasick because there was no option to go back. So that really did force us to be a group."

"Oh, absolutely, it felt more serious than your typical job. One of the things that got us through how difficult the shooting actually was was that we are telling a real story."

"I try to take things that challenge me either physically or mentally, or I have to learn a new skill."

"Initially, I think it was a desperate need for validation. Once I became more comfortable in my own skin, I discovered I enjoyed performance for its own sake, and the challenges that come from creating characters and making them believable. Or at least memorable."

"Play to your strengths. If you’re not the “warm & fuzzy” voice, don’t waste time trying to be that. Work at what you’re naturally good at, then make it better. Challenge people to challenge you. And know when to stop talking."

"There’s a lot of people sitting around in rooms discussing how to make it happen as opposed to just, like, doing it — asking: ‘Do you have any 45-year-old-woman friends who you think are really talented who could submit an application to us?’ ‘Do you have any black friends who are great writers who haven’t had a shot."

"There are plenty of people who won’t tune in because a woman’s voice bothers their eardrums. Their ear canals can’t handle the sound of my shrill voice talking at them about a subject. I guess I just don’t really care about those people."

"I'm sorry, remind me again, what is the point of encouraging little girls to dream big if any career puts them in the path of boob honkers? There's not a workplace on land or sea or even at the bottom of a big, deep hole in the ground where we're actually keeping women safe. Right now I'm actually picturing some guy saying, oh, what am I supposed to do, stop asking women out at work because it makes them uncomfortable? Yes."

"Look, if you like the freedom to play violent video games, watch internet porn, and grow weed in your house without police using thermal energy to bust you, you owe a debt to Antonin Scalia. You also probably work on my staff. Whether you loved or hated his narrow literalism about a document written before machine guns and gay people were invented, Scalia was by all accounts a nice guy with a wicked sense of humor. People liked him. … Good people do have bad ideas."

"Oh my God, conservatives, make up your minds about poor babies. We thought you wanted them to be born. Why else would you oppose free contraception, wage jihad against Planned Parenthood, fight the FDA on Plan B, and make abortion as unattainable for poor women as a ticket to Hamilton. Well, like it or not, there are a lot of poor babies, and it seems all you got for them is the same useless advice you’re giving their mothers: Keep your legs crossed."

"As long as you want to keep playing whack-a-mole from hell, it is my solemn promise that I will keep picking up the metaphorical hammer to slam you back down and remind you that you have not yet done anything to earn our forgiveness. So take your millions of dollars and pay a therapist to care about how tough it’s been to get caught being an abuser because honestly, I don’t give a shit."

"I know people who just absolutely everyday of their life work for change. … The animal rights people. THOSE are my people. … You always hear about the Farmer in the Dell and how he loves his animals, but we’re not educated. And now it’s all coming out and people are starting to finally get educated about it. is rescuing all these animals … I mean not one animal had a good life before they got here."

"When it's going well, stand-up is the best thing in the world, but when it's not, it feels like all your toes are being pulled off one by one."

"I think [one eco tip is] just giving a little present to someone who might be a little close-minded or stubborn about being green. Last year in all of my gifts I gave an environmentally-friendly light bulb. I thought that was such a great little gift to ease certain people into it. You know there are certain people, maybe family members, who are a little old fashion, or certain people that you work with that don’t really think about things like that. So you have to put it in front of them. And everyone needs a light bulb eventually. So the next time their light bulb goes out they’re gonna reach for it and they’ll see how great it is."

"Some people would rather give the appearance of feeling well by having a face-lift, exercising violently, or dieting severely—but they don't solve the problem; they only disguise it. If they ate properly, they wouldn't have to strain to seem fit; they would be fit. The simplest and most natural way usually turns out to be the easiest. Consider nursing, for instance. It's obviously the most natural way to nourish a baby, but it's also the easiest; you don't have to wake up in the middle of the night and fix bottles. If you're a vegetarian, you don't have to cook food in a smelly, greasy kitchen, or clean a lot of pots and pans with the rancid grease on them. Ugh! Though it may seem easier to take a slab of dead flesh and toss it in a broiler, it's much more interesting to do something creative with vegetables. So that my children don't have to snack on sweets or bowls of cereal—it's no better than sawdust, you know—I set out platters of avocadoes, pineapples, papayas, bananas, almonds, dried figs and prunes. … I serve organic apple juice in place of milk. I have the most beautiful golden honey for the herb tea—and so, you see, no one need feel deprived on a vegetarian diet."

"Citizens’ right to document cruelty to animals — wherever it occurs — is crucial in helping local, state and federal officials enforce anti-cruelty laws. Authorities can’t be everywhere at once, and funding for enforcement of anti-cruelty laws is sorely lacking in most places. What we need are more cameras on factory farms, not fewer."

"I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 35. It just happened—it just came over me. I’d gotten asthma and was having trouble sleeping, getting less than an hour of sleep a night. … I decided I wouldn’t eat meat any more, not even for a million dollars. I felt cleansed and incredible, like the inflammation in my body had been reduced. It was life-changing. … When I decided to become vegetarian, I had to learn how to ‘recook,’ if you will. … When I gave up meat, I wondered what I would make. That turned out to be vegetables, really organic and fresh. I made them very flavorful, using herbs, lemon and a little oil. I think I taught my kids well. My daughter, Dinah, for example, is also a vegetarian and doesn’t eat anything that can look at her."