"MOOSEN! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much, moosen. Out in the woods—in the woodes—in the woodsen. The meese want the food. Food is to eatenesen! THE MEESE WANT THE FOOD IN THE WOODENESEN! AND THE FOOD IN THE WOODYENESEN! |Brian"

"If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike..."

"Plurals were hard, too. |Brian"

"That's a hard rule. That's a— that's a rough rule. |Brian"

""Brian, how do you make a word a plural?" |teacher"

"Apparently! |Brain"

"So, she says, "No, Brian, it's I before E, EXCEPT after C, AND when sounding like A, as in neighbor, and weigh, and on weekends, and holidays, and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!" |teacher"

"Um... You put a 'S'… you- you add an ‘S’ at the end of it. | Brian"

""What are you, an idiot, Brian?" |teacher"

""I know there's two 'T's!" |kid"

"Then, as he passed you, |Brian"

""Brian, what's the 'I before E' rule?" |teacher"

"He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours?|Brian"

"First round,'Cat' |teacher"

""K-A-T, I'm outta here." |Kid"

"Um... I before E... ALWAYS. |Brian"

""When?" |teacher"

"Spell a word wrong, sit down in front of your friends." Yeah, that's great for little egos:|Brian"

""Alright kids, up against the wall. It's time for public humiliation. |teacher"

""Hey, look at me, I'm a moron!|kid"

"Then the spelling bee day, you know, popped up."

"'Cause up until that day, I was an idiot, but nobody else knew, you know?"

"I wasn't even close! I was using numbers, and stuff!"|kid"

"Uh... I don't know. I'd be a lot better off, if I would've studied more, when I was growing up, you know? But, you know, the day where it all went wrong, was the day they started the spelling bee."

"Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63."

"Uuhhhh... On weekends, and holidays, and,... |Brian"

"That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong, on purpose, so he could sit down, you know|Brian"

"I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000."

"Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets."

"I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business."

"Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something"."

"You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman)."

"The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points."

"I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist."

"That was some really great "fatcting"."

"The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points."

"This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!""

"The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!"

"I call my balls the bush twins."

"I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks."

"For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey."

"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"

"I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean."

"Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!""

"My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing."

"When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy."

"When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese."