Comedians From The United States

"Lionel: Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night; the sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it."

"There are different flavours of sexiness."

"There are a lot of people who helped make Queen Latifah who she is today. I don't forget, but a lot of people do and get big heads. My mom will make me walk the dogs or take out the trash when I go home. I'm not allowed to get a big head, I've still got to do the simple things in life."

"People of color have had to unlearn the assumption that racism is individual, that it is primarily a question of individual attitudes that can be dealt with through sensitivity training. You remember that Don Imus called the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hoes" about five years ago? Five years later he's rehabilitated! But of course this doesn't compensate for the fact that Troy Davis is dead, his life claimed by the most racist of all of our institutions, capital punishment. No amount of psychological therapy or group training can effectively address racism in this country, unless we also begin to dismantle the structures of racism."

"I would rather go to Baghdad than go to a professional basketball game."

"Well, June is, uh, National Dairy Month, and I'll be milking Deirdre later... Ain't that right baby."

"This is the Imus in the Morning program, We're not happy 'till you're not happy."

"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous."

"In movies you can shoot a guy 3,000 times and get a 'PG-13', but if you say the 'F' word twice it's automatically an 'R'. I'll let that be its own comment."

"I'm Howard Stern with a vocabulary. I'm the man he wishes he could be. Yes, Howard Stern is a slut. He's a bastard, too. Worse--a Jew bastard! That's the worst kind. Put him in the oven."

"Charles: This is the Imus in the Morning radio program. Imus: I'm hearin' you baby. Charles: Yeah! Imus: Where we at? Charles: On WFAN New York. Imus: Hear that. Charles: You know what I'm sayin'? Imus Yeah. Charles: Seven o'clock Eastern Time, and time ImusWhy are we talking like fourteen year old black children? Charles Because we're racist? Imus: Yes. Yeah. Charles: Because we're stupid? Imus: Beyond stupid. Senile and stupid. And lame Charles: Oh, please. Good lord."

"...and on MSNBC all over the world. Now, uhh, because it's available all over the world, doesn't mean, by the way, that anybody's watchin' it. Am I right Charles?""

"Who likes the little little duckies in the pond? I do, I do, I do, a-chicka quack quack."

"Any individual entity that pretends to understand the rules that guide this space is under an illusion."

"When I get sick I start scripting the video tape that I'm gonna leave behind when I die. Sometimes imagining that even makes me cry. Both hurting and happiness make me feel more alive, but as I get older it seems that hurting's the low hanging fruit. So I pick it. ."

"Are the new viewers gone yet?"

"Look what I found; a litter version of the Internet! This used to be something that could convert carbon dioxide to oxygen using only sunlight, water, and a few nutrients. But now it's way cooler; it has two functions. You can either put little words on it, or crumple it up into a tiny ball and throw it! ."

"Generalized statements … which instill nebulous fear without specific information are exactly in line with the goals of terrorism. ."

"(On airplane etiquette) Although reclining your seat is technically your right, just like free speech if you exercise it to your limits everyone around you will think you're an asshole."

"Say the opposite, say the opposite, say the same thing, say the same thing. (song/refrain on "The Show")."

"...next time you rake up those leaves realize you're about to jump into a pile of tree shit. ."

"A wedge strategy is where you focus on a highly charged issue at the borders of rationality and emotion. The emotional content of the issue can create a moral conviction that the issue needs to be resolved at any cost. Tactics that would otherwise be called into question can then be employed to resolve the issue. This sets precedent for the future use of those tactics in other arenas."

"'Army of one': when the shit hits the fan, you're on your own.."

"The president said some words, like nouns and verbs."

"It's complimacated. (sounds like compli-ma-kayted, emphasis on first syllable)"

"If you don't know what a cat is, it's sort of like a stuffed animal... but with a working asshole. I'll admit that when I went to the pound, I was actually shopping for a never ending box of shit, um, and the cat just came with it."

"I'm not sure, but I think I might be an adult.... Someone the other day told me I should act more like one, but I don't even know what it is. What's an adult? I blame it on my parents; they caught it before I was even born. When I break things now I have to pay for them. I rarely get cake at parties anymore. When people give me sheets of paper I'm not supposed to draw on 'em. I'm just supposed to put the letters of my name on a line. Where's the fun in that? People get funny when I say the obvious, like "you've got a big nose." All of a sudden I'm supposed to know about the weather. And have plans! I even checked on the internet and no one's working on a cure. I'm not sure I like it."

"Okay, roll-call, no talking. Benny, Marc; Ethel, Shakina, nice shoes. Bobo twins, anyone seen the Bobo twins? Those Bobo twins."

"Both hurting and happiness make me feel more alive, but as I get older it seems that hurting's the low hanging fruit. So I pick it."

"Water boarding: Is that like snowboarding?! ."

"I don't think you understand what the word cool means.... Being cool is about not participating in traditionally enjoyable experiences and creating the illusion that happiness can be found in alternative, less enjoyable experiences. The degree to which other people around you try to emulate your alternative lifestyle and fail determines how cool you are. You're only as cool as people wish they were."

"in the summertime sometimes i sleep "macho": ah, white t-shirt, no underpants. Sleeping macho looks very attractive on a man. I feel like it helps me breathe."

"The word vagina is a beautiful word, like all words that have v's and g's in them, like gavel, or evangelical. I love vaginas, and evangelicals. I fucking hate gavels though."

"Shock 'n' Awe. We bring the BoomWow."

"[T]here's more than one way to skin a cat. But from the cat's perspective, they all suck. ."

"Trying to defeat an ideology by killing individuals is like trying to save a marriage with a blowjob. It might buy you some time, but in the end it'll just suck. ."

"Just a reminder, what other people think of you is none of your business.."

"[T]errorists are desperate assholes who see no institutionalized recourse to address their grievances, so they resort to random acts of violence in order to instill fear into the general population."

"This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to. (Standard sign-off for "The Show"; varies at times)."

"A surprise party is where your friends and family lie to you to make you feel alone and unloved. Then, when they throw you the party they would have thrown, regardless, you experience a sudden rush of emotion as your depressed self returns back to normal. Some people think that life in general's like that. They keep waiting for the party. I call that: denial."

"Look! A see-through wall of glass!"

"Pat Buchanan likes to say we're in a culture war. The Civil War was a culture war, and brothers killed brothers. I wonder if they avoided dinner conversation about politics. What if this culture war turned into a real war? I'd look back on that dinner and wish that I'd ordered a side of argument."

"Don't swim up stream, baby. The future was right where you were. ."

"This little bathtub smells like ass.."

"Help! I'm David of Sesame Street, and they're trying to kill me!"

"I wanted an autograph from Northern Calloway, when we were in Stony Lodge together, I asked and was dragged away. He was the only celebrity I met as a kid. I still remember, the sheet over his face, his body on a stretcher. And the only food for thought that would feed my head was like my childhood, David from Sesame Street was dead."

"This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty FUCKING YEARS! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too. I don't think he knew the show was going to go thirty fucking years. "Goddamn it, I'm fucking Captain Kangaroo. Thought the fucking gig would last two or three years, I didn't think I'd spend my whole fucking life as Captain Kangaroo! I was an actor, I was in the Actor's Studio, I wanted to do Death of a Salesman, I wanted to play Willy. My God, I'm Captain KANGAROO!""

"[On 2 Live Crew] One song was 'Suck My Dick'. Not please. Not honey, do you have a minute? 'Suck My Dick'. Like soomething the Beatles coulda rolled out. "Hey, John, would you like to write 'Suck My Dick'?" "Well, I don't know, do we have time? Sounds like such a hard song to write." That was the song! 'Suck My Dick'! Fuckin' album sold two million records with a song called "Suck My Dick"! Like the guy got up one morning and went, "you know, today I wanna write a song. Today I want to write a love song. I want to write a song that tells how a woman and a man feel when they meet each other for the first time and they fall in love; I want to put into words feelings that men have always had, but they've never been able to express. All right, I think I'll call this song..." [Pauses, then the audience yells "Suck My Dick"] Yeah. It's that song that's gonna be on that fuckin' Golden Oldie rap album in ten years... "Where were you when you heard 'Suck My Dick?'" Remember those old days?"

"[On the Gulf War] The ground war lasted 100 hours. A hundred fuckin' hours. I've had parties go on longer than that, folks!"

"I'm goin', what the fuck am I bustin' my ass for, doin' HBO specials, doin' fuckin' concerts, when I could just write rap songs? How hard is this shit to do?! Here's my first rap single: "Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee". There it is! My first rap hit! 'Lick Me Where I Fuck and Pee!" I got a hit! That's where it's at! I got another song, for men, especially for men, in general: 'You Call That A Fuck, You Lazy Bitch?' Oh! OH! This song is gonna go through the fuckin' roof, trust me! We're talkin' about a song that's gonna go through the roof! They'll call me Grammy Sammy after that fuckin' song. Wait! I got another one! I got another one! 'Who Farted in My New Car?' You can't stop me! Fuck MC Hammer, 'You Can't Touch This'- YOU CAN'T STOP ME! I'm a rap song writing machine now, look out!"