Comedians From The United States

"I'm not as klutzy as I used to be... I've had visual therapy and all kinds of things to help, but I still wrap my purse around chair legs when I stand up to leave. I do ridiculous things on camera because I do them in my life all the time."

"Ask any girl what she'd rather be than beautiful, and she'll say more beautiful."

"If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save somebody's life, I have two things to say … the red is positive and the black is negative."

"The peculiar characteristic of classical music is that it is really better than it sounds."

"There is a grim and ghastly humor -- the humor that is born of a pathetic philosophy -- which now and then strikes me in reading the bright and keen-witted work of our American paragraphers. It is a humor that may be crystallized by hunger and sorrow and tears. It is not found elsewhere as it is in America. It is out of the question in England, because an Englishman cannot poke fun at himself. He cannot joke about an empty flour-barrel. We can: especially if by doing it we may swap the joke for another barrel of flour. We can never be a nation of snobs so long as we are willing to poke fun at ourselves."

"The Etch a Sketch is the toy for drawing that makes drawing almost impossible. It simulates what drawing would be like if you had crippling arthritis."

"Ohh, I guess you got me there. He's absolutely right. I'm just a wash-up. Gotta stand on the stage. [Responding to the heckler saying "You're not funny! You're a reject! You never had no shows! You never had no movies! 'Seinfeld,' that's it!"]"

"Ohh, I guess I gotta quit because I said 'nigger.'"

"Cracker-ass? Are you calling me cracker-ass, nigga!?"

"He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger!"

"What was uncalled for? It is uncalled for you to interrupt my ass, you cheap motherfucker! [Responding to the heckler saying "That was uncalled for!"]"

"Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside-down with a fucking fork up your ass!"

"For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I'm deeply, deeply sorry. … I'm not a racist, that's what's so insane about this!"

"They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger?"

"What's the matter, too much for you to handle?""

"You can talk! You can talk! You can talk! You're brave now, motherfucker! Throw his ass out! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger! Ooh! Ooh! All right, ya see? It shocks you, it shocks you to see what's buried beneath, you stupid motherfuckers!"

"Well, you interrupted me, pal. That's what happens when you interrupt the white man, don't you know?"

"I did not know that."

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. This is kind of an emotional thing for me because I've known about this show for a long time, and the newspapers and the magazines that I've probably been interviewed 150 times in the last nine months since I've known about this. As I say, you'll work up to it; we come over here this afternoon, we meet the guests that are on the show, and you get kind of charged up. I don't mean to be maudlin about it, but I know that tonight a lot of people, a lot of my friends are watching all over the country, and I only have one feeling as I stand here knowing that so many people are watching: I want my nana!"

"Who could follow Carson? Well, believe me, somebody can — and will."

"It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea. It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles. It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself.""

"I've been learning a lot about myself from reading about all the stuff I've been up to, not based on any form of truth. I lead a pretty boring life — I sit at home, I'm on the Internet, I eat cereal — that's a typical night for me. I read online about all the places I've been out partying and all the women I've been out partying with. I'm like, "Wow, I should probably go to that place. It sounds like fun. It sounds like I had a good time there." I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading."

"And so it has come to this: I, uh... am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. I want to thank the gentlemen who've shared this stage with me for thirty years, Mr. Ed McMahon... Mr. Doc Severinsen... and... you people watching, I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you—and I hope when I find something that I want to do, and I think you would like, and come back, that you'll be as gracious in inviting me into your home as you have been. I bid you a very heartfelt good night."

"Redd Foxx had grown-up jokes. … You ain't never heard no Redd Foxx stand-up. Hell, you still watchin' Sanford & Son reruns."

"Love. Hygiene. That's the important thing. Hygiene. The toughest thing in the world: [you] have to turn to your mate one night and say: "You gotta wash your ass!" Shit. Knowing how difficult it is, I said it for you : You Gotta Wash Your Ass."

"My first wife, I'll never forget her — and I've tried."

"We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."

"Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America — that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved."

"If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet."

"Foxx was really the king of comedy and timing. He had one of the fastest comedic minds on the planet."

"Surprising news from New York, the whistle-blower had his whistle blown!"

"An orca trainer almost drowned after its orca dragged him down in the tank. He did reveal the locations of three Al-Qaeda hideouts."

"I have realized that mystery is what keeps people away, and I’ve grown tired of smoke and mirrors. I yearn for the clean, well-lighted place. So let’s peek behind the curtain and hail the others like us. The open-faced sandwiches who take risks and live big and smile with all of their teeth. These are the people I want to be around. This is the honest way I want to live and love and write."

"A woman's nether regions should always be shrouded in mystery."

"(Picture of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones appear) This week, the California Raisins announced plans for a new world tour."

"This week, Donald Trump introduced a new twelve-inch doll of himself that speaks seventeen different phrases, which is amazing, as that's five more than the real Donald Trump."

"(On the 2006 US Midterm Elections) This week, in an ironic turn of events, Iraq brought regime change to the United States."

"(In reference to the Pamela Anderson/Kid Rock divorce) It was announced this week that these will no longer be bouncing on that."

"Donald Trump and producer Mark Burnett are reportedly considering creating a Broadway musical based on The Apprentice. The pair came up with the idea when neither one of them could find a match to set fire to a pile of money."

"Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life. "I can't wait to hear that!", said no one."

"In a recent Valentine's Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that...oh, who cares?"

"If you can dance and be free and be embarrassed, you can rule the world."

"A chimpanzee in China has quit smoking after 16 years, with the help of her keepers. The chimp was able to quit when the keepers STOPPED BUYING HER CIGARETTES!"

"A 14-year-old Indiana girl was arrested after she came to a middle school with a handgun, ammunition, and six small bags of marijuana. Man, Dakota Fanning's growing up so fast!"

"Christian conservatives are claiming that the hit documentary March of the Penguins supports the theory of intelligent design. Meanwhile, backers of evolution claim that intelligent design is refuted in the documentary March of the Bonaduces."

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas."

"According to a new survey, 67 percent of teenagers are content or extremely happy most of the time. They're called stoners!"

"I love homosexuality, I defend it. But I hate faginess, because it's aesthetically unpleasing, the whole [frolics] "La la la la!" You don't have to do that. I have nothing against Jewish people, I hate Jewiness, the clammy [whiny] "Nyah nyah nyah, I get all... I'm allergic," personally that's unpleasing. I hate anyone who leads with their sexuality, homo or hetero. If I know your sexuality in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying. Heteros are the same way, if you have naked lady mud flaps or you go, "Oh, after your show you want to go to Hooters?" or you just watch the game for the cheerleaders, just go into a basement and jerk off, you fucking teenager, 13-year-old, and then come back when we can have a regular conversation."

"The thing with the word "retarded" is that "retarded" is not like other epithets, it was not a word of hatred. Retarded was the medical definition, was actually a word actually born in sensitivity. 'Cause they used to call them, before retarded was the word, doctors would use "imbecile" or "moron". This is something a smart fuck at Harvard has labelled "The Euphemism Treadmill": moron and imbecile were the correct terms for a while, and what happened is we co-opted those words to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid, to the point where it became an insult. So out of sensitivity, they changed the word to "retarded"... and what happened was we co-opted that word to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid. So you can keep changing the word, and if you make the new one stick, that's what I'm going to call my friend. "Did you just put a metal plate in a microwave? What are you, developmentally disabled? You don't fucking put a metal plate in a microwave, who doesn't know that?" You can make it as difficult to pronounce and Latin-based and medical-rooted, and if you make it stick, that's the new word I'm going to call my friend when he trips over his own shoelaces: "Ha ha! You just exhibited some of the atlantoaxial instability that is usually associated with the trisomie 21 genetic imbalance!""

"Every fucking week there's some celebrity or comic or an athlete that has to apologize for a caught on tape comment, or insensitive joke, a drunk tweet. And they have a press conference, and it's always something that's way weaker than the shit I say every night-- as a segue I say worse shit, nobody ever asks me to apologize. I wouldn't, but I wanna be asked one time. I've got way better shit than they do, I demand outrage for God's sakes, what do I have to do? I could've told that joke at the Simon Wiesenthal Museum of Tolerance and people would go, "Huh? What'd he say? I wasn't listening.""