Comedians From The United States

"Hey, please, if you don't know me, please take a few seconds just to judge me by how I look. Appreciate the laugh there, thank you very much."

"I'm just saying, a lot of people are on medicine, they don't need to be. Because let's be honest folks, it isn't easy for anyone. And I think in most cases, the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment. And to be honest, in the day and age we live in now, if someone comes up to you and says, “I think you might be clinically depressed,” the proper response is, “Thank you, thank you very much. That means I’m awake." Is there any indication we shouldn’t be depressed— are you living on the same planet that I am? Did you ever think that depression is the reasonable human response to the rubbish we’re going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step, or at least into taking some different course of action so we might survive? Did you ever think that maybe it’s the happy people that are really messed up in the head? Where’s that spin on the situation? Maybe it's those guys. "Hey, how ya doing?" "I don't know, I feel great, again!" "Really, well, that's creepy and weird. Maybe you should be on medication. Clearly you're self-centered, delusional, narcissistic. I don't know, but you're draining me with your happy. Could you move along because I'm doing the big work, creating a world that functions properly in my brain.""

"The only difference between disappointment and depression is your level of commitment."

"Do you remember when you used to be able to remember five phone numbers?"

"I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment."

"How many friends do you really have, seriously? You people...like "I have lots of friends." You don't. You have a lot of shallow relationships with people that talk behind your back and you call that drama a life because you hate your job."

"Where is all the porn coming from?! Why isn't the Christian right talking about porn?! Cause they want us to be jerking off by ourselves! They know they can't get to us; we're lost to them, but at least it'll keep us in our apartments!"

"We certainly showed those Afghanis for what those Saudis did. But hey, can’t dump where you eat, you know?"

"The FBI and the CIA, I really thought they had everything under control. I thought they knew what was going on with everybody. I thought they had a camera in the air in a satellite right now taking very accurate pictures of my prostate. I thought they had that kind of technology. I thought they knew everything about everybody, but it turns out they’re really no different than many other government bureaucracies, say, the Post Office or the Department of Motor Vehicles. Just, uh, you know, 50-60 year old men waiting for their pensions to kick in. Except for the three that let the attack [9/11] happen. They’ve been promoted."

"He [George W. Bush] was speaking in congress and he was saying "Why do they hate us? Because of what’s going on right here in this chamber: a democratically elected government. Except for me, of course. I took the presidency in a bureaucratic coup with the help of my father’s friends in the courthouse around the corner.""

"There is no way I was buying my wife a gun, because, let's be honest, there is no way I wasn't getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sorta like me saying "Y'know, I kinda wanna kill myself...but I want it to be a surprise.""

"Do you think Beethoven had any inkling in even the darkest recesses of his unconscious, when he was deaf and sweating over his Fifth Symphony, that one day it would emit from some idiot’s pocket, and the response would be "Darn, it’s my mom"?"

"Pearl Harbor the movie, arguably, was worse than the invasion itself."

"In the digital age our idea of political activism is forwarding an e-mail. You copy four people and think, "I've done my part for today.""

"I think the reason why we're so disconnected and depressing is that...we don't talk to God anymore - or rather, he doesn't talk to us. Remember back in the day? He used to just come out of nowhere. 'Abraham?! Guess who?!...that's right, it's God, you're a genius...' He would then tell them to do something and then BAM! it would get done. Who's he talking to now?!...I don't know! I think he's talking to those homeless guys that talk to themselves. You know, the ones that walk down the street arguing with themselves going 'I can't!...I can't!!!!!' ...what if at the other end of that conversation was 'You're the new leader!' 'I can't!...I can't!!!!!' They're not crazy homeless people...they're reluctant prophets!...better tip them an extra buck the next time you see 'em."

"Street guy: Well, tell you what, brother, how ‘bout a watch, man? I know y’all ain’t got a watch, cause if ya had a watch, you know it be night time and night time ain’t no time to be in this here neigborhood, man. So, how ‘bout a watch? Hey, hippie, how ‘bout you? You want a watch? Chong: Ah oh, no thank you, man. I’m not into time."

"Chong: Good evening, and welcome to... Cheech: White World Of Sports! Chong: Brought to you by... Cheech: Budweiser! Chong: Breakfast of Champions. Cheech: Remember, when you're out of Bud... Both: Tough Schlitz."

"Chong:Hey, which one of you is the DJ? Cheech (as Wink Dinkerson): Uh, that's me, Wink Dinkerson, from KRUTE Radio. Chong: Aw, far out, Dink."

"Cheech:Hey man, give me a sip. Chong:Okay... Cheech:Hey, that's pee! Chong: I know. It's for my probation officer. Cheech: Oh. Does he drink pee?"

"Cheech: [sings] Mexican Americans don't like to just get into gang fights, they like flowers and music and white girls named Debbie too. Mexican Americans are named Chata and Chella and Chemma and have a son in law named Jeff. Mexican Americans don't like to get up early in the morning but they have to so they do it real slow. Mexican Americans love education so they go to night school and take Spanish and get a B. Mexican Americans love their nanas and their nonos and their ninas and their ninos, nanoo nanoo nina nonoo! Mexican Americans don't like to go to the movies where the dude has to wear contact lenses to make his blue eyes brown cause don't it make my brown eyes blue. And that's all I got, how do ya like it?" Chong: Oh that's good. Cheech: That's like a protest tune, man. Chong: Yeah, I dig that. But you know, while you were singing that, I wrote another tune. Cheech: Oh yeah? Chong: Yeah, it's, it's like the same thing, only different. You want to hear it? Cheech: Yeah, yeah. Chong: It's like a little more rock and roll than that one. Cheech: All right, get down. Chong: Something like this here. [sings Beaners! Beaners! [speaking] I gotta work a little more on the lyrics. Cheech: Yeah that's heavy man. [phone rings] Keep working on it, man. Chong: [singing in the background] Beaners! Beaners gonna... Cheech: Hello. Mexican Americans like to answer telephone calls and say hello to whoever's on the other end."

"Cheech: Uh, his name is RAAAAAALPH, man."

"Cheech (as Buzz Wired): Hi, this is Buzz Wired from DORK Radio, and you have just won BAM!!!! Bummin' Around Money!"

"Earache my eye, how would you like a butt-ache?"

"Mostel: If I appeared there, what if I did an imitation of a butterfly at rest? There is no crime in making anybody laugh. I don't care if you laugh at me. Congressman Jackson: If your interpretation of a butterfly at rest brought any money into the coffers of the Communist Party, you contributed directly to the propaganda effort of the Communist Party. Mostel: Suppose I had the urge to do the butterfly at rest somewhere? Congressman Doyle: Yes, but please, when you have the urge, don't have such an urge to put the butterfly at rest by putting some money in the Communist Party coffers as a result of that urge to put a butterfly at rest."

"There's a kind of silliness in the theater about what one contributes to a show. The producer obviously contributes the money... but must the actor contribute nothing at all? I’m not a modest fellow about those things. I contribute a great deal. And they always manage to hang you for having an interpretation. Isn’t [the theater] where your imagination should flower? Why must it always be dull as shit?"

"Sometimes when I'm eating a blueberry muffin, it's so tasty and delightful, that I think, "Wow, this is better than sex!" And sometimes when I'm having sex I think, "Wow, this is very expensive. I should have just gotten a muffin." Because it's less expensive and you can cut it in half and save some for later. Yes, you can refrigerate your muffins."

"Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign.""

"I'm as close to retarded as you can get and still live alone, I'll admit that. If there was an island for retarded people, I would be their king. They would be like "he can cut his own meat, he will lead us!""

"Self acceptance is the sexiest thing to me."

"I think there's too much emphasis on beauty. I find it so limiting. I think just be yourself. Be who you are."

"If you're a woman who doesn't know how to write, you're going to cry every night. But if you do, no problem."

"When I was little I definitely was sad a lot and I used to dream. I used to get these obsessive crushes on non-available guys. Not any more, but that was my life for a long time."

"Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country."

"Mel is sensual with me. He treats me like an uncle - a dirty uncle. He's an earthy man and very moral underneath. He has traditional values."

"How can I believably be a dumb blonde. I'm the furthest thing from it. I am intelligent. I don't mean I have a great IQ. I just mean there's always an intelligence present in what I do."

"What's wrong with musicals now is all the gifted men who've died of AIDS—who would otherwise be here today creating great theater."

"Me, as myself, I don't think I'm particularly funny. But I've noticed that people in my life always have found me amusing. Which, when I was little, really bothered me."

"Laughter is a strange response. I mean, what is it? It's a spasm of some kind! Is that always joy? It's very often discomfort. It's some sort of explosive reaction. It's very complex."

"She is one of the most talented people that ever lived. I mean, either in stand-up comedy, or acting, or whatever you want, you can't beat Madeline Kahn."

"I can't even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work but it ain't easy."

"I don't like to be my own audience, I find that being my own audience, being in the audience, makes me self-conscious, basically. So I tune in sometimes, with the sound off, to check it out and I back up to it. In the future I will look at it when some time has passed."

"All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays."

"Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish.""

"I never worked with a dialogue coach before, but I'd hate it if an American did a British accent and didn't do it well. It would be insulting."

"I love having a kid [...] They don’t let you think about yourself. [The one drawback of being a mum in America is that] Mabel wants Barbie, one of those bloody awful dolls. No vaginas, no nipples and they're bulimic. This is what femininity is? [...] Ever tried to assemble a Barbie barbecue stand? [...] Fortunately, Mabel already knows that Ken's just Mr. Barbie. She already cut his hair punk style. She knows that ... Ken's an idiot."

"I wouldn't do anything mean spirited. If it's in the wrong spirit, or if its not honest, then I wouldn't do it. It's got to honest. Otherwise, what's the point?"

"I hated the pressure that many of the children were under. Many of the kids were forced to grow up too fast, their careers were being decided for them before they were 13. If I went to an audition then they'd always choose the sweetest, prettiest kid. I wasn't obviously beautiful so I used to miss out." Ullman has also alleged that the owners taught their own children and that a certain level of favouritism seemed to exist. She also felt that the education she was receiving was of very little value. "These stupid teachers would come in and go, 'Good morning, darlings, lets all be dustbins!' I'd go, 'Oh, shut up! I wanna be a banana!'"

"My real name is Trace Ullman, but I added the 'y.' My mother said it was spelled the American way, but I don't think she can spell! I always wanted a middle name. My mum used to tell me it was Mary but I never believed her. I looked on my birth certificate and I didn't have one, just Trace Ullman."

"Some kids can play the piano or kick a football; I could just impersonate everyone."

"Every seven years or so I look around me and I want to look at the society and I want to try and be everyone I'm seeing in the world right now. [...] And I've done this all my life. I realized I used to do this in my mother's bedroom when I was 6. I used to be everyone in my village and everyone at school and everyone in the news, and I'm still doing that same show. I'm now 56. I think I can do it in my 80s. I'll just, you know, impersonate everyone around me then in the nursing home."